There is no shortage of talk about what makes a good Dad these
days. What I’ve noticed lately is the
use of the word “involved” in the discussions that play out at the proverbial water
cooler, and on social media. So as a Dad
it occurs to me ask “what exactly is an involved dad?”
I guess a good place to start would be with my youth and my
Dad. 40 plus years ago I was the product of a German immigrant couple. If ever
there was a case for having a hands off Dad this would be it right? Well this
is not my memory. From a very young age
my memories of my Dad are ones of close contact. From when I could walk my Dad
was the bedtime parent, the ritual was to run the length of the hallway through
the living room into his arms, then to be carried to bed. My Dad routinely sat
on the carpet where we would assemble Lego homes, assemble Hot Wheels race
tracks and Meccano sets and more. My Dad was the one that taught me to swim,
ride a bike, use tools and ride a horse. My childhood weekend memories were of riding
the country roads by his side in the family pickup truck, or tearing through
back woods trails on snowmobiles and ATV’s.
Were my parents equal in the act of parenting? Probably not,
my mother was a stay at home mom for a number of years. Nor where they equal in
the career fields, my father was the major bread winner. But they both played
integral parts in my raising. And I
would say that my dad was definitely “involved”. Apparently this was not the norm at that time,
and from what I’m hearing lately… is often not the norm now in many families today.
My wife commented the other day about a new co-worker that
spoke often of her responsibilities with her kids, never mentioning a spouse,
which left the impression she was a single mother. Upon investigation it was
discovered there was indeed a spouse, but in her words; “he’s not really involved
with the kids”. So in 2014 how does this
happen? Have men really not evolved from the caveman hunters? Or are we returning
to a “Mad Men” mentality where real men work late, drink and play golf on
weekends, while the little misses looks after the house and kids…while also
holding down a job! If that’s true…and I hope it’s just the few that are an exception,
those dads are missing a lot, and arguable are shirking their responsibilities.
I will be the first to admit that there are many Saturdays where
the idea of a lone day on the bike or at the beach, is highly attractive….but I’m
the dad of a 5 year old. What does that mean? It means that bike rides now
often are a little slower and shorter with a tandem bike, so my 5 year old can
join in. Trips to beach now involve sand castle building.
In our case becoming parents was not a surprise, and I was
older and hopefully more mature. We made
a conscience decision to have kids, so of course that means we are both “involved”. From the moment the doctor put 8lbs of a
wiggling joy into my arms it has never been an option to be detached. I don’t think my wife and I have ever counted
who changed more diapers or who got up more times at 2am when the munchkin
could not sleep. We just did it, because we’re both parents.
When my son was about 18 months old, and my brother in law
was ill in California, my wife flew down for a week to visit him. These few days as a single parent taught me a
great deal about myself and what it means to be a parent. I can still remember
dropping my son at daycare that first Monday morning. As I got on the highway
after the drop off, the realization hit that if I didn’t return at 5:30 to pick
him up…who would? My wife was thousands of miles away. I was the star of the
show…so to speak. That was a very humbling
realization. During that week of being a solitary parent I learned many lessons.
The 2 most important were likely the appreciation of how much my partner shared
in the workload of parenting, and how immensely difficult it must be to be a
permanent single parent. If you are a single parent I take my hat off to you. While I missed my partner during that week, my
son and I had a good experience. I felt empowered as a Dad, that while I’m far
from perfect, “I can do this.”
Being a Dad has been a steep learning curve from even before
my son was born. I remember learning during prenatal classes about how babies
reacted to skin to skin contact with dads as well as moms. That knowledge was empowering and
intimidating! So babies responded to nurturing from fathers as well as mothers right
from birth! Being a solitary dad for that week further entrenched a truth. As a Dad it is possible to be THE parent of a
small child. Though fortunately in my
case, I don’t have to do this alone. I just need to be A parent.
All this talk of parenting may be obvious information to
many, but it certainly wasn’t to me. I got into the game relatively late in
life. There was a time that I thought
being a Dad was not in the cards for me. Perhaps as a result I’m more grateful
for having the chance, but that is pure speculation. I suspect I’m doing largely what my Dad did,
and trying to take that up a notch.
Is there a clear answer to what defines an “involved” Dad?
Probably not, but kids simply can’t receive too much love. While it may take a village to raise a child,
an “involved” Dad can lessen the load of the village. And in the end the entire family wins.
