Not Mr. Mom

I’ve been a “stay at home Dad” since January and the experience has been enlightening to say the least. But I think the most surprising revelation has been how many people still think the idea of a Dad staying home with a toddler, instead of the Mother, is some great novelty.  I thought we had progressed further as a society, but alas on the parenting front I am finding it’s often a Mom's world.

Statistics suggest that about 20 % of Canadian men are taking parental leave.  I’m not sure why the number remains relatively low. But that is still a significant number of Dad’s choosing full time parenting over their careers. I don’t have statistics to support the percentage of working men that are also actively parenting their kids and have moved away from the idea that raising kids is “women’s work”. I tend to believe that in households where both parents work, the child rearing is more equally shared. I certainly see that behaviour among my peers, friends and neighbours.

Perhaps the most telling item is the number of times I’ve been asked how I am doing being “Mr. Mom.” Initially I found the comment cute, and responded with humorous replies and moved on… but after some thought, I now respond differently.

Why? Because my kids are lucky enough to already have a very capable and present Mom, and it’s not me!  And I come from family stock where Dad’s don’t babysit, they parent.  I realise the comments are usually made with the best of intentions but they go a long way to illustrate how we as a society still view fathers.  Even our female paediatrician remarked that I was surprising adept at dressing my daughter after an examination. Seriously!?  Do people still believe it’s a “Mad Men” world?   Now when I’m asked the Mr. Mom question I gently correct, with a “Nope, I’m Mr. Dad…Mom is much better looking.”

I am not here to argue for the absentee Dad, that’s a topic for another day.  But I do know of a lot of men that are very much in the trenches, raising their kids’ day in and day out beside their spouses, and sometimes on their own.  As men we don’t need to pretend to be Mom’s, we have plenty to offer our kids just as we are.

In our situation the decision of who would stay home with the kids was not taken lightly, nor was it to make a political statement. In the end it was based on what would be the best choice for the entire family given many factors including finances, career positioning and more.  My wife did it for our first child, and this time around it’s my turn.  I don’t know who is better cut out to be the stay at home parent, and it really doesn’t matter. It’s something that needs to get done…so we are doing it. We both bring different attributes to the parenting table…which makes us stronger as a family. We don’t need to compete with each other or try to be like the other. 

Now, almost 6 months into the journey I am under no illusion that I am to be impersonating a Mother from 9-5 while my wife goes to work. My job is to be the caregiver and parent to a little girl and a 7 year old boy.  Each day there are diapers to change, runny noses to wipe, lunches to be made, library books to return, endless questions to answer, laundry to clean, toys to play with, snuggles on the couch, giggles after a wrestling match on the bed, wagon rides to and from school, and so much more. It’s the toughest yet also the most rewarding “job” I’ve ever encountered. The last time I checked this is called parenting. And for better or worse this Dad is on duty, not to be mistaken for a mom.