The Big 5-0: How Being A Late Bloomer Helped Me Be A Better Father | The Baby Post

The Big 5-0: How Being A Late Bloomer Helped Me Be A Better Father

Mike Wedmann celebrates a significant birthday and looks back at his lifelong penchant for hitting milestones at a more leisurely pace than his peers.

by Michael Wedmann

One of my favourite comedians, Jim Gaffigan, wrote a book titled 'Daddy Is Fat'. Today I am wondering if I wrote a book, would it be called 'Daddy is Old'? This crazy talk comes as my 50th birthday rapidly approaches and I finally get my two kids (two and eight) to bed. The thing is, I’m ready for bed too…and it’s only 8.30 pm on Monday night. Would I be this tired if I were turning 35? I have to wonder.

I don’t intend this piece to sound like a complaint. It’s not. It’s no accident that I became a dad for the first time at 42, and again 6 years later. But that is not to say I don’t at times wonder how things would have looked if these opportunities came when I was younger. I had a great visit on the weekend with a buddy that was my roommate in University. My son was with me and we all went for a great scenic bike ride around Niagara Falls. We’ve been good friends for 30 years. and I was the MC at his wedding almost 25 years ago. His daughter turned 20 on Sunday. I remember being at the baptism of this child 19 years ago. At the time I wondered how people managed to pull off this family thing, with all the responsibility and challenges. Most of my friends from my University days went on to have kids in the usual way… in their early 30’s.  A dozen years later this same friend was my best man when I finally decided that I might be able to pull off being a husband, and just maybe, a family man. I do admit that I wondered if I had left it too late.

Today, while many of my long-time friends (I don’t want to call them old) are now dealing with university tuitions and car payments for their kids, my commitments are for daycare payments and swimming lessons. While many long-time friends are looking at retirement plans in the not too distant future…I don’t see that anywhere on the radar.  I am heartened when I am at the playground with my kids and another Dad arrives with grey hair and laugh lines.

But the truth of the matter is, I’ve been a late bloomer on many things in my life, so why not in the parenting field? I was a confirmed bachelor in my twenties, too busy, too self-centered, and too immature for a meaningful relationship at that age. Today I’m grateful that I didn’t have kids at that time, I was nowhere near ready to be a dad or a husband. A family at that time would have been a train wreck.

In my 30’s I began to figure out who I was and what I wanted my life to look like, but it took a bit of time to get those pieces to fall into place.   After all, I had to find a partner that would go along with my craziness. And honestly, when I was 35 I thought I had tons of time ahead of me. I had yet to experience that phenomena my parents talked about; how time goes faster the older you get! When I was a kid the summer seemed endless, at 40 it was a long season, and as I approached 50 this summer it seemed like a long weekend! There are still summer activities I want to tackle and it’s October!   

So what does 50 look and feel like for this dad?  Well at the moment I am still able to keep up with my youngsters. While others have been plagued with bad knees and hips, so far I have dodged that bullet and remain in good health. No ailments that the odd Advil won’t fix. Now we hope that scenario continues indefinitely. But strangely, now that I approach 50, my brain has this wonderful habit of creating a little paranoia around relatively harmless ailments. At 40 I was invincible and unstoppable, at 50 a lingering cough from a cold could be lung disease? A sore knee for a day may be chronic arthritis? That indigestion after the 4 slices of pizza could be a heart attack? So far none of the above has transpired. And while I admit those crazy thoughts surface occasionally, I don’t act on them as I know they are not necessarily rational. It is just a new consciousness of my mortality. At 50 we are no longer middle aged…

I wish I could say I was in the best shape of my life, but that is not the case. But on that note, I will say having two young kids is an incentive to try harder. When I was 40 I decided to start cycling again. it started with short rides around the neighbourhood. On my 48th birthday, I did a 48 km ride. On my 49th birthday I did the 60 km Tour de Mississauga, and in the days before my 50th birthday, I even managed an 80km cycle. Like I said, I’ve always been a late bloomer.

My weekends are always action packed. My eight-year-old just graduated to yet another bigger and faster bicycle this weekend. My two-year-old, anxious to compete with her big brother, is now zipping down sidewalks on a tricycle (with Dad running behind). In the days ahead we will need to find her some skates, because if big brother is skating the little one won’t be far behind. Let’s see how my back holds out on the rink teaching another short one how to skate.

Weekdays are busy with the challenge of getting everyone out of the house on time and off to school and daycare and work. Evenings are about getting dinner ready while still having enough time for play and outdoor time if possible. Sometime after that comes laundry, cleaning the pool, and other grown up chores. Throw in some road trips to the family cottage and grandparent visits, and just maybe a date night once in a while.  Yes, it’s a busy life.

So would I have it any other way? The short answer is no. My life is not without its challenges but coming home to the happy shouts of “DADDY DADDY” does a lot to alleviate those tough moments and days. Even today I am not known for boundless patience. But it’s a far cry from the epic short fuse I had in my 20s. I don’t know that I would have had the temperament in my 20s to work with my son on a school project to create a working toy school bus using only parts we could retrieve from our recycling bin.  Even in my 30s, I don’t know if I could have been a Stay at Home Dad for a year, which I did a few short years ago. That was perhaps one of the best years of my life.  So while turning 50 has its negatives, in my experience, I like myself more now than I did 20 years ago. I believe that level of self-confidence and comfort in my own skin makes me a far better father now than I could have been as a younger man.

So perhaps things happened exactly at the right time. And just maybe I’m not as concerned about being a dad at 50 as I am wondering what it will be like when I’m 60?

 

Forget Millennials, It's The Sandwich Generation We Need To Worry About | The Baby Post

Forget Millennials, It's The Sandwich Generation We Need To Worry About

Michael Wedmann thinks it's time we started taking care of the generation of adults who are caught between caring for their kids and their elderly parents.

by Michael Wedmann

I cannot speak for you, but I am quite tired of hearing all the talk of Millennials. And of course, the Gen X’ers cannot get enough attention. And rarely a week goes by without a story about the Baby Boomers. But I don’t hear a lot about what is called “The Sandwich Generation”. These are individuals caught between the often conflicting demands of caring for children and caring for seniors. And while caring for both kids and seniors, simultaneously holding down full-time jobs. I think I just missed being Generation X, I may be Generation. But I am definitely in the midst of the “Sandwich Generation".

Of course, it’s not a new development. People have been looking after their kids and parents since forever. But statistics suggest this situation will grow significantly as the baby boomers grow older. And in our current society, we do have some challenges that differ from previous generations.

Go back to the 1950s and 60s and most families could easily manage on one income. This opened the door to one spouse being a stay at home parent. While I certainly don’t undermine the difficulty of being a stay at home parent, it does mean a different reality. It takes some pressure off when a senior parent needs some assistance after a hip replacement and it’s not necessary to ask for time off work from an employer. In earlier times we also didn’t travel or migrate as far from the nest.  Today travel is easy and multi-national companies encourage their workers to relocate. So the days of several generations living in the same house or at least in the same town is not as common anymore. It’s one thing to zip over to our parent’s house to help out for an hour when it’s an 8-minute drive, rather than a four-hour drive or plane ride. We’ve also gone from previous generations where three, four and five kids were common. Now most Canadian families have one child. The implication down the road means that this lone child will bear the full burden of parent care. Of course, the other factor is that better nutrition plus advances in health care mean we are living longer. Life expectancy in Canada in 2016 has reached 80 for men and 84 for women. In 1960 it was only 68 for men and 74 for women! We all wish our parents would live forever, but this new reality is changing family dynamics. 

My parents had a different experience as immigrants, moving to another continent. In their case, it was for the most part impossible for them to be of assistance to their parents as they aged and required more assistance. At that time air travel was very expensive and they simply didn’t have the resources to fly overseas every time there was a time of need. Even overseas phone calls were outrageously expensive back in the 1970s, and poor quality as well. This brought them their own heartaches and feelings of powerlessness. This is often the untold story of being an immigrant. Fortunately, in Germany, where my Grandparents lived, there was a strong social assistance program that did provide adequate care. And siblings and cousins had to step up to the plate. But sometimes there is no substitute for just “being there”. We all want to do the best for our loved ones which is why we are feeling increasing pressure to do more, and more, and more.

Is it ironic that my 2.5-year-old awoke with a blazing fever this morning when I knew I would be writing this article tonight? Probably not. On Thursday I spent six hours in my car so I could visit my parents, with my mom still ailing from a bad fall. I could not be of much assistance but at least I could provide some emotional support. I am also very fortunate to have a very capable sister and brother-in-law that share this challenging time.

Another twist in the situation is the increasing age of new parents. As we choose to have kids later in life we now are running into the situation of having elderly parents while having very young children. It’s never easy to be a caregiver to a parent. But when the kids have already flown the nest or at least old enough to be self- sustaining it’s a little more manageable. 

The repercussions go outside the family and into the workplace. Now we have a new balancing act. We must ask for time off work when the toddler has a fever or to take a parent to an out of town specialist appointment. Do we turn down promotions that will be too time-consuming? Do we avoid important career choices to preserve our seniority and stability?

In my case, I just celebrated a 50th birthday and have a 2-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son to care for. I have been very fortunate to have had my parents with me through thick and thin. They are made from sturdy stock, both now in their eighties and still living in their own home, largely on their terms. However, getting old is often unkind and comes with health challenges. 

So what is the solution? We hear a lot of talk about more resources in our health care system for in-home care. But is the home care designed for those that are the intended recipients? From what I have experienced the in-home care can be difficult to qualify for, and difficult to understand when you are not tech-savvy or perhaps when you are elderly and stressed out, have poor hearing, or when English is a second language. 

Perhaps it’s time to rethink social services so they work for the recipients. Maybe it’s time we find ways to provide financial assistance to caregivers for short-term leave in addition to long-term requirements. Maybe we need to educate employers and coworkers on what these challenges mean.

In an era where we seem to be very short-sighted, cutting pensions, cutting benefits, outsourcing our good paying jobs to other countries and vilifying unions that champion worker’s rights and wages, I fear we are headed in the wrong direction when we are on the cusp of the “Sandwich Generation” growing exponentially. While this may be my story today, there are plenty more just around the corner. Buckle up!