Teaching Our kids Positivity in a Negative World

As a kid I distinctly remember the yearly Remembrance Day services at our schools. It was a very solemn and serious occasion. We were taught to respect and treasure our Veterans, for putting their lives on the line so we could live in freedom. My parents, immigrants from Germany, warned of the dangers of Nationalism.  I grew up in the time of the cold war and we were taught about the importance of alliances, of working together, and the value of knocking down borders and walls.

Remember Ronald Reagan, a Republican, and his famous speech given at the Berlin Wall? “Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall”. We saw that wall come down less than 3 years later. In 1990 I walked through the Brandenburg gate into what had been East Germany.

Here we are today 30+ years later, and we have a new U.S. President that denounces alliances, insults allies and is pushing hard to build new walls.  And now with my young son watching the 100^th anniversary or the end of WW1, I have to answer his question of why the current American President is not attending. How do you explain that to a 10-year-old?  How do I explain it to myself?

We are incredibly fortunate to be living in Canada, arguably the best country in the world to live in 2018. It’s easily one of the top 5 best places to raise a family.  But we are not immune to what ails the world these days.  We can become complacent or arrogant, thinking the politics of hate, division, racism, nationalism won’t come here… but it is here.  We see it with media organizations like Rebel Media, with Mayoral candidates like Faith Goldy, and with Alt Right social media trolls that spread hate and intolerance.  So as a parent how do we sift through this information and teach our children the difference between valid differences of opinion, versus hate and fear mongering?  Is shutting down hate speech, and calling out lies, an attack on freedom of speech?

How do we teach our kids to respect tradition, and to be truthful, when political leaders blatantly lie, repeatedly & brazenly?  And we have political “leaders” that show no respect to tradition, legal processes, or convention. How is it that the supposed leader of the free world could avoid a Remembrance Day ceremony in France, choosing instead to launch insults on Twitter? I guess I was naïve when 3 years ago I didn’t imagine such a thing could be possible.  

We can bury our heads in the sand, but in my backyard, a Mayoral Candidate that has been charged with hate crimes, managed to get over 13% of the vote? Who are these voters? These people? What are they teaching their kids? What are they teaching them about LGBTQ rights? What are they teaching their kids about immigrants, refugees, and Muslims or Jews? These people live in our neighbourhoods. Their kids go to our schools.

I took my son on a road trip to the Ford Museum in Detroit, on display is the bus where Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat, and water fountains from the segregation era marked “whites” and “coloreds”. It was a great teaching opportunity. We would like to think the battles of the 60’s are behind us, then we have white supremacists running for political office in our municipal and provincial elections?!

We teach our kids about love and tolerance, we teach them that colour, race, religion is not about making people more than or less than, or right or wrong.  And than we come home to find hate literature in our mailbox. Some may say that I am over reacting, and this is all much ado about nothing. But I don’t believe that to be the case.  There is an undercurrent of discontent that many political leaders refuse to address, or worse, they feel they can use it to their advantage. But much of that discontent comes from the growing disparity between the very rich and everyone else. It’s time we stopped judging the economy on how well the rich are doing.  Until our “moderate” leadership accept the facts of this discontent and address it, the hate and resentment will continue to grow. 

So…what is the answer? I wish I could see a clear path out of this mess, but I don’t.  What I do know is that when good people stay home on election day and remain quiet in their communities it gives licence to the chaos. We need to find our voices, and our courage to use them with our kids, our families, our neighbours, our schools, and with our politicians.     

What Nobody Told Me 11 Years Ago About Becoming a Dad.

I am the first to admit that I post a lot of family pictures on social media.  We may be that family you hate on Facebook… Plenty of comments, bloopers, and check-in’s with my kids on whatever adventures we may be undertaking.  However, I don’t make a habit of posting the challenging times, when the kids are fighting, not listening, and falling off their bikes.  So, it’s not unusual to get comments from social media friends that they suspect my family is the ultimate parenting experience, just another slice of paradise.  When I hear comments like “You’re such a great parent, you do so much with your kids” I do cringe inside. And must remind people that what they see on Social Media is not an accurate reflection of my families every day life, far from it. In fact, there are days when I wonder how I got into this parenting deal, and I feel totally ill equipped for the journey I am on.  Thank God I have other Dad’s in my life that remind me that I am not alone. They share their similar experiences.  And I often wonder why nobody warned me about what I was getting myself into?  Okay, they probably did, but I wasn’t listening, so I already know where my kids got their listening skills. Those of you who know me, already expect plenty of sarcasm here, and know that I have no regrets in becoming a Dad.  But here are a few things I didn’t know before this parenting adventure started.

1. I knew that parents were often tired. I didn’t know that my sleep patterns that I had enjoyed for 40 years would be changed, apparently forever!  I think “baby monitors” may have been one of the worst inventions ever. I suspect this device did a great job to insure my wife and I never had a full nights’ sleep for the first 2 years of each of our kid’s life.  

As a parent you already develop a keen sense of hearing, that I guess is nature's way to help you be the caregiver you need to be.  Baby makes a peep and the parental radar responds.  The baby monitor exploited that already keen sense by putting that speaker 3 feet from my head in our bedroom.  Now not only would a baby cry wake me, but every crib squeak, cough or heavy breath was amplified. The result being either jumping out of bed to attend, or laying in bed wide awake listening for more evidence of distress, wondering if your partner also heard and might get up this time. And inevitably feeling guilty for not jumping up right away. In hindsight I wonder if the baby monitors are a help or hinderance.  Combine the amplified baby monitor issues, with the normal parenting challenges of kids getting sick, falling out of bed, having nightmares, wetting the bed during potty training, and just knocking on our door at 5 am, asking if it’s “wake up time” yet. The result is the once nightly ritual of a solid uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep is just a distant memory. 

2. I had no idea that having “me time” or some solo space would be so challenging as a parent. Admittedly I was a little late to get into parenting game, with the firstborn arriving on the scene when I was already 41, and the next arriving 6 years later. 

One could argue that I should have been “more ready” as I had enjoyed over 20 years of adulthood to “sow my wild oats” so to speak.  However, as an involved father, the ability to eek out some solo adult time is more challenging than I had expected.  Perhaps the biggest hindrance is me… Who knew that the bond to my kids would be so strong that I want to be apart of so much of what they do.  Who knew that the guilt would be so strong, when saddling my more than capable partner with the full parenting duties, so I can grab a few hours on my bike? Go away for a weekend with the boys? Not for this dad.  Admittedly this has started to improve as my kids have gotten older. My now 10 year old son doesn’t actually want to spend all waking hours with me, he has friends of his own now. And my 4 year old daughter is happy to hang out with Mom.  But I can still be struck with guilt as I sneak quietly out of the back yard with cycling shorts on, bike ready to go, and my son comes busting in, with a “can I come?”   Is "no" an option?

   

3. I do know that I wasn’t the perfect child, but I don’t remember growing up with the daily arguments in our home. I was not prepared to have children that were apparently born knowing everything, or more accurately, believing they know everything.  I remember the old saying: “When I was 14 I couldn’t believe how dumb my dad was, when I was 20 I couldn’t believe how much he had learned in 6 years.”  My question is; do I have to wait 20 years before my kids stop arguing with me about everything?  The arguments are often preceded by the REPETITION of the same request 26 TIMES…such as “brush your teeth” or “eat your dinner” or “flush the toilet!” the common reply of course is “I know!” And “Why are you yelling at me.” And of course with full activation of the victim card. My kid’s teachers tell me my kids are smart, they do well in school. But apparently the ability to remember to flush the toilet, or turn off a light,  is not a measurement of intellect.

4. My wife and I knew that the spontaneity of our social life would take a big hit when we had kids.  

Who knew that baby sitters were so expensive and hard to find? Who knew that having NO extended family nearby would have such an impact. Who knew that planning visits to friends had to work around naptimes and bedtimes?  Who knew that we would be perpetually tired so that “date nights” mean falling asleep in the movie theatre and still being in bed by 10:30pm.

But I can say I really had no understanding of how much our social life, or lack there of, would change. Who knew that despite best efforts it’s

  just too much to stay up to midnight to ring in the New Year?! ZZZZzzzzz.

Undoubtedly, these are all “first world” complaints, and written with tongue planted in cheek.  I can say that on an almost daily basis I am grateful that I don’t have to do the parenting thing alone. I take my hat off to all the single parents out there doing it all on their own, day in and day out.  Any single parent would read this blog with some massive eye rolls I’m sure. (if they had time)   I’m also grateful for all the time, energy and patience my parents bestowed on me when I was a kid, and now do with their grandkids.  And I am grateful for other parenting bloggers and friends that share their experiences with humour and hope.