My Mom, a force is at rest...
A year ago at this time, I was in Haliburton again, but not for the usual visit. This time it was different, the meeting with the doctors had made it clear, my mom was VERY sick and this time there would be no miracle recovery. It was time to say goodbye. In the morning she would slip away peacefully.
This day did not come as a total surprise, my Mom had been sick for a very long time, the last 10 years saw a steady decline, after many hospital visits and procedures. We almost lost her at Sunnybrook after a heart valve replacement went wrong, and it had to be redone. We waited for days to see if she would come back to us…she did but had been weakened. Several strokes occurred over the years and each time we lost a little more of her. To make matters worse she also was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy. It was hard to witness, we truly lost her in installments. We had several close calls, and when I saw my sister's number would come up on my call display my heart would jump. My sister's first words were usually: “everything is okay”, to quell my fear. But often it wasn’t and there were many hospital visits. Yet in the end, when I looked at her so frail and weak in the hospital bed, knowing full well her quality of life had reached zero, it was still very difficult to let go.
My memories of her when she was younger made it hard to reconcile the fragile shell of a person she had become by the end. My young mother was a force to be reckoned with… the classic stereotypical strong German woman. Old age at times is unkind, robbing people of their dignity. My own kids, whom she loved fiercely, never really saw the strong, full of life, person, that I knew as a kid and young man. I’m grateful that they had a relationship, but in some ways, it was very different than what I had experienced as a kid.
My Mom was not always the easiest person to have around. She was outspoken, strong-willed, stubborn and opinionated. She was often tough when I thought I needed her to be soft. Does that sound familiar? But beyond all that, she was the kindest, most loving, courageous and loyal person I have ever known. She had a way to bring people together and she knew how to get a party started. She often seemed to have boundless energy, when the rest of us were exhausted she wanted to go out dancing. I think of her often when I feel tired and crash on the couch on a Saturday afternoon. I rarely saw my Mother take an afternoon nap before she got sick, she was always in motion.
I read the eulogy I wrote last year again today, and I realize that it’s impossible to sum up a life in a few short paragraphs. It’s impossible to capture a person’s essence in a few pages of text. I really haven’t felt like writing since she passed away last year. This post has not come easily but I think she would want me to “get moving” again.
My mom was all about action, and she would not want me to be sitting around in sorrow. She would want me or us to seize the day. My mom never stopped dreaming of a better future and perhaps that is what got her to be 84 and overcome so many challenges. In her honour, tomorrow I will make sure I dream of a better future for me and my family and I will be grateful for all the things she taught me and the gifts she gave.
I miss you to the moon and back Mom.
