Thinking back in my life there are a few personal questions
and comments I remember being particularly annoying. When I was in my 20’s the most common grating
question was “When are you going to settle down?” as if it’s any of your
business… After “settling down” the annoying question changed to “So…when are
you going to start having kids?” often followed by the charming comment…”you’re
not getting any younger you know!” These
comments are to be expected from parents and close friends, but I am always
amazed by the lack of discretion from mere acquaintances, and had to chuckle
when THEY were offended when the answer they received wasn’t quite what they
expected.
Of late I’ve been reflecting on how much my life has
changed, with no option to go back, since becoming a parent 5+ years ago. During the 9+ months of pregnancy and early
parenthood my wife and I took bets on who would be the first to offer the
following comment at every function we attended. “You have no idea how much your life
is going to change…” followed by the all-knowing nod. I think I imagined the snicker. I’m not sure what was most annoying about the
comment, the fact that we both had a pretty good inkling that bringing a baby
into our home was going to be a game changer, or the sheer number of times we
heard the comment in the course of a year. But clearly this is the award winner!
So now more than 5 years in… were they right? Has life
changed beyond what I expected? Undoubtedly
yes. I can’t imagine finding the words to
adequately describe the emotional paradigm shift that happens moments after the
doctor puts an 8lb wiggling gurgling newly minted human being in your
arms.
The parenting magazines and advice from the parents all have
their place. The shared experience and tips help you get through many days. But
much of the journey of parenthood for me has been finding the strength to deal
with challenges that are unique to each of us. I remember vividly the first hours of being a
parent, feeling woefully inadequate, but with no choice but to tackle the job
at hand. The nurses at the old Women’s College hospital were kind and
encouraged us new dads to step up to the parenting plate. The mothers needed some
rest, now it was dads turn to do some work . Those first nights saw many dads
walking the halls of that Maternity ward, at all hours, shushing little babies,
resting on the very experienced rocking chairs strategically placed throughout
the ward.
There has been a lot of water under the bridge since those
first nights at Women’s College Hospital and the learning curve has been steep!
A good friend, that is about a year and a half ahead on the journey, made a
great observation. “Just when you think
you have it figured out the kid moves the goal line.” Absolutely true!
Parenthood has taken me down roads I never dreamt I would
see…both good and bad. I don’t think my
sleep patterns will ever return to “normal” again. It’s remarkable how many
nights you can go with minimal sleep yet still function. You know… when it’s
the 3rd night in a row that once the Children’s Advil wears off, the
fever returns and the crying starts. You sit up at 3 in the morning with a
toddler sleeping on you…because he won’t and can’t sleep anywhere else. And you
know you can’t miss another day of work. Just when you think you have hit the wall
and can’t possibly go on…the fever breaks, and he sleeps through the night…
Those sleepless nights become days, including the first day
of day of school, when HE wants you to leave him at school alone, because he’s
a “big boy” now. Reluctantly you
retreat, and you walk slowly and silently to your car, with all the other
parents, sharing the same feeling of Guilt for leaving their kids behind.
What else has changed? Well actually pretty much everything,
but here is the short list. Trips to
cottage, once peaceful journeys, are now filled with “are we there yet?”
followed by “I have to pee” and “I spilled my milk” all within 20 minutes of
home. A trip to the Mall now means
dropping $200 at Children’s Place and Baby Gap.
A trip to the beach now entails a truck load of shovels, pails, Tonka
trucks, swim noodles, snacks & sunblock #120. The 2 hour beach trip is followed by weeks of cleaning
sand from every imaginable part of the car and house. Going to a movie now means a new release by
Disney or Pixar. New car aspirations are all about finding adequate space for
kid, dog and all the paraphernalia that is required for an overnighter.
But the biggest changes have been internal. Pride is
redefined when the toddler takes his first full steps and later scores his
first goal at soccer…in the wrong net. Fear finds new heights when a fever spikes and
you can’t get it to come down, and when you turn your head for 3 seconds only
to find him standing on the top of the monkey bars at the playground. Anger seemingly comes out of nowhere, but in hindsight is
the result of exhaustion and fear. Joy is renewed when the contagious laughter
fills the house with the first use of the jolly jumper, and on Christmas
morning with the shrieks of joy at the sight of the gifts under the tree. And on
it goes…
At 5 years in…it’s hard to remember clearly what life was
like before becoming a parent. The changes to the inner self are
permanent. I now understand why parents
feel so compelled to share these words with prospective parents…”You have no
idea how your life is about to change…” and I know there is nothing mean
spirited by the statement. But I’m resisting saying those words to others. Parents
will come to that realization by themselves in due course. But I do acknowledge
that truer words were never spoken.
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