Do You Have it All? Can You?

(As published on BabyPost.com)

Do You Have it All?

Is it just me or is back to school time where we begin to see more articles about “Having it All”?  Perhaps it’s the end of summer vacations that causes our minds to re-evaluate our work, home, family, life balance.   Our North American culture seems to have established a bar that working parents, in particular women, are supposed to achieve or at least want to achieve.   I was curious as to the origins of this cultural phenomenon and it seems to go back to the early 80’s, from Cosmopolitan magazine and its’ famous editor Helen Gurley Brown. Her book titled “Having It All: Love, Success, Sex, Money . . . Even if You’re Starting With Nothing,” seems to have breathed life into this phrase.  Remarkably 30+ years later we are still talking about it. Perhaps as a man I’m treading on dangerous ground discussing this topic.  But here goes…

The term seems to go on the assumption that all women want to be rich, married, mothers, romanced daily, and CEO’s of Multi-National corporations.  This may well be the case for many… but simple stereotypes are usually woefully inaccurate at describing 50% of the population.  I personally know women who proclaim to be very content and feel they “have it all” by achieving one or 2 of the categories. Interestingly Gurley Brown didn’t even include having children in her thesis.   So are the women who willingly opted out of the career race, are happily married with kids, failures on the “having it all” scale? I have a friend who at 40 is very successful at her career, about to get married & has no desire for kids…is she a failure? I have a male friend that walked away from his teaching career to raise his kids, drives a rusty 12 year old station wagon with 300k on the odometer, and is remarkably content. Is he a failure at “having it all”?  Who’s setting the parameters of this scale?   Newsflash to Cosmopolitan, we don’t all have the same goals in life, men and women included.  Are we failures doomed to be miserable if we don’t have the desire to be the CEO of IBM?  I’ve met some remarkably happy people that would fail the Cosmo test.  I’ve also met some people that seem to have it all, materially…but are consistently miserable.  So just maybe this is a far more personal or individual story…

Although I am a born Canadian, my roots are from Europe, and my education was from the era where we were taught to challenge…rather than accept the first suggestion of what we should be or believe.  I would argue that the North American big business culture seems to want us all to double down on making more money each day, and climbing to the top of the corporate pyramid.  Any obstructions to the corporate goal should be dismissed…including family life.  I’ve attended some conventions of major corporations and felt afterward that it might be a little cultish.  Strong Kool Aid being served…  Evidence of this culture would be the fact that the average American worker leaves 5 paid vacation days on the table (unused) each year.  By law each country in the European Union must give 4 weeks paid vacation to its’ workers, in the U.S. one in four workers receives no paid time off.   And yet while the U.S. has the lowest vacation and other worker benefits (Canada is 3^rd from the bottom) their productivity numbers are only marginally better than Germany.  So have the Germans, Swedes and the Danes done a better job of “Having it All”?  Some would say yes.

Obviously this is a complex topic. It’s easy to blame others and institutions, but we all have a hand in our destiny.  Many of us complain about the lack of family time, yet we increasingly demand more 24 hour services, whether its grocery shopping, gasoline purchases, etc.  We never look the person in the eye that is working on Christmas Day at the airport.  She may be a Mother that has missed her kids opening their gifts. But we want to be in Florida, and heaven forbid we wait for another day. We make choices, some affect us directly others indirectly.

I know I’m not alone in regularly seeking to find a balance…how best to divide up the pie?  In the end it’s up to individuals to decide for themselves if they feel they “have it all”.  If not, what are we prepared to do about it?      

What I learned from Summer Vacation.

The family summer vacation has once again come to an end.  The wife has gone back to work and it’s just me and the 2 kids again at the homestead. So what did I learn from summer vacation….with my wife, 2 kids (7 and 17 months) and a black Labrador? Here is my top 10 list.

1. Taking this crew to a cottage for a week is serious work. In fact it felt like we were moving.  This vacation reassured me that buying  a “not so” mini-van this year when our 2^nd child arrived was the right choice…it is truly remarkable how much stuff we brought with us, and how it all fit in that van.  And just when you think it’s full… you can add three more bags.  I thought we were a little over the top until my neighbour packed up his 2 kids today in his minivan….and added a box trailer!

2.  Drive thru’s must have been invented by parents of young children for parents of young children. With a van loaded with 2 kids, a dog, a week’s worth of supplies, in 30C weather, ordering lunch through the car window is sheer genius.

3. People that sneer at parents with vans equipped with video players never spent 3.5 hours on the road with 2 young kids.  Are we there yet?

4. The distance and steepness from the end of the driveway to the cottage will be directly proportional to the amount of supplies and luggage you bring.

5. Seven year old boys  believe they know everything….but can still be lead to believe that when going to the forest for vacation they will only have wild berries, mushrooms and fish to eat,  that we find or catch ourselves…was that cruel? 

6.  Despite all attempts to bribe and/ or reason with him, our son would sleep, for the first time,  in the TOP bunk of the “coolest bunk beds ever” in the cottage.  And his parents would sleep lightly, anticipating the fall and the trip to the ER in the local hospital at midnight. 

  

7. As far as 7 year olds are concerned….swimming in a lake when you “can’t touch” is a problem even though swimming in a pool when you “can’t touch” is just fine… But only for the first 10 minutes, then it’s a good idea to swim to an island 2 miles away.

8. Its remarkable how much laundry is generated from a week at a cottage….I thought we just wore bath suits every day?

9. It is possible to have fun with no TV stations, Netflix or Wifi.  And yes, there are still places in Ontario where mobile phone service sucks, and yet life goes on!  

10. Parents suffer from serious memory problems…all the memories of work, temper tantrums, lack of sleep, aching backs, expenses, etc.,  disappear after witnessing the sheer joy of the kids jumping off a dock into a pristine lake and zooming down a zipline at Santa’s Village. 

Where to next year? P.E.I.?

Is Soccer Right for Us?

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a Soccer dad?!   As the Dad of a boy that has just turned 7, I wonder about which sports he should play.  We hear the stories about the “Hockey Parents” that turn the game into an unsavoury event….but Soccer should be safe right? It’s the gentleman’s game.  This is our 3^rd summer of soccer for DS7. The first year was quite comical…trying to get a half dozen 4 year olds' to do anything, let alone as a team,  is quite a challenge. But it was amusing and fun. In the second year a good coach managed to engage the kids and we could see the beginnings of some actual ‘soccer like’ play going on. The kids had fun so I was okay with it, and of course there were a few parents that clearly thought their kids (at 5 years of age) have a Fifa future.  Those that know me can see me doing some eye rolling….

Now we are in year 3, the news initially was good. We landed the same excellent coach. And this year is real soccer, with rules, referees, full field etc.  The mission statement is:   "The _____Soccer Club builds self esteem in the children of our community by developing athletic skills and sportsmanship through fun and friendly competition."   It all sounds good.  But now a month into the season I’m seeing those alleged traits we sneer at among the hockey parents and coaches, appearing on the soccer pitch. 

We have 6 and 7 year olds “playing” a game and a coach is dropping f- bombs at his players, playing his 2 top players for the entire game, while others sit on the sidelines,  encouraging his team to charge the opponents after a kick from the goalie, and to run up the score as high as possible.  

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those parents that believe kids should be in a bubble and not allowed to fail. I understand and believe that losing is part of life, and provide valuable lessons, but that is not what’s happening here.  I get it, that Soccer at the Rep or Professional level is as competitive as any sport, and you have to be tough to play, but we’re not there yet. These are 6 and 7 year olds, some playing for their first season.  So is it necessary to totally humiliate the opposing team after it becomes clear that they are not evenly matched?  How many goals should be scored before it’s enough? 8, 10, 12, 20?  Should it go to the point where the kids give up on the game and just don’t want to play anymore?    Now I’m hearing that during the preseason various coaches engaged in some “horse trading” among themselves in an attempt to stack their teams. Seriously?  

It all reminds me of my youth in elementary school, when an ill-tempered gym teacher had zero patience for those of us that weren’t star athletes.  That experience negatively impacted my self- confidence and turned me off sports.  Fortunately some of that damage was undone when I reached High School, where there was a very different attitude among the gym teachers and sport became fun.

So now I find myself wondering if this is just the way it has to be in team sports in this culture?  Fortunately I am not alone and have found other parents with the same concerns. So now what? We have an ally in our coach who loves the sport and the kids. He sees what this does to youngsters.  

I have contacted the club and expressed my concerns. Other parents are doing the same.  I wish I was more confident that things will change. I want my 7 year old to learn the gentlemen's game and have fun, but as of today, swimming is look good.

Not Mr. Mom

I’ve been a “stay at home Dad” since January and the experience has been enlightening to say the least. But I think the most surprising revelation has been how many people still think the idea of a Dad staying home with a toddler, instead of the Mother, is some great novelty.  I thought we had progressed further as a society, but alas on the parenting front I am finding it’s often a Mom's world.

Statistics suggest that about 20 % of Canadian men are taking parental leave.  I’m not sure why the number remains relatively low. But that is still a significant number of Dad’s choosing full time parenting over their careers. I don’t have statistics to support the percentage of working men that are also actively parenting their kids and have moved away from the idea that raising kids is “women’s work”. I tend to believe that in households where both parents work, the child rearing is more equally shared. I certainly see that behaviour among my peers, friends and neighbours.

Perhaps the most telling item is the number of times I’ve been asked how I am doing being “Mr. Mom.” Initially I found the comment cute, and responded with humorous replies and moved on… but after some thought, I now respond differently.

Why? Because my kids are lucky enough to already have a very capable and present Mom, and it’s not me!  And I come from family stock where Dad’s don’t babysit, they parent.  I realise the comments are usually made with the best of intentions but they go a long way to illustrate how we as a society still view fathers.  Even our female paediatrician remarked that I was surprising adept at dressing my daughter after an examination. Seriously!?  Do people still believe it’s a “Mad Men” world?   Now when I’m asked the Mr. Mom question I gently correct, with a “Nope, I’m Mr. Dad…Mom is much better looking.”

I am not here to argue for the absentee Dad, that’s a topic for another day.  But I do know of a lot of men that are very much in the trenches, raising their kids’ day in and day out beside their spouses, and sometimes on their own.  As men we don’t need to pretend to be Mom’s, we have plenty to offer our kids just as we are.

In our situation the decision of who would stay home with the kids was not taken lightly, nor was it to make a political statement. In the end it was based on what would be the best choice for the entire family given many factors including finances, career positioning and more.  My wife did it for our first child, and this time around it’s my turn.  I don’t know who is better cut out to be the stay at home parent, and it really doesn’t matter. It’s something that needs to get done…so we are doing it. We both bring different attributes to the parenting table…which makes us stronger as a family. We don’t need to compete with each other or try to be like the other. 

Now, almost 6 months into the journey I am under no illusion that I am to be impersonating a Mother from 9-5 while my wife goes to work. My job is to be the caregiver and parent to a little girl and a 7 year old boy.  Each day there are diapers to change, runny noses to wipe, lunches to be made, library books to return, endless questions to answer, laundry to clean, toys to play with, snuggles on the couch, giggles after a wrestling match on the bed, wagon rides to and from school, and so much more. It’s the toughest yet also the most rewarding “job” I’ve ever encountered. The last time I checked this is called parenting. And for better or worse this Dad is on duty, not to be mistaken for a mom.   

My Child Car Seat Rant

Technological advancements in this day and age amaze me on a regular basis. My phone knows to go silent when I’m in a scheduled meeting, I can turn on my home alarm system from another country, I can start my van with a push of a button while sitting in my living room… so why haven’t kid’s car seats evolved in the past 25 years?  Other than to get more expensive...

I distinctly remember the process of buying a car seat for our first born…because it was anything but simple.  It’s not just a seat…it’s a “travel system”.   Is the seat also to substitute as baby carrier? Does the seat/carrier need to be compatible with the stroller? Can a base be bought separately to go into a 2^nd vehicle? What is the weight limit…in other words how long will the seat be usable? Once the seat is too small does that also render the $600 stroller useless? And on it goes…  So while all these choices must be made and they all come with a sizeable price tag, one would think the experience is all good going forward?  Well, from my experience no…so yes this is a bit of rant…

In Canada we are legally required to have car seats, the hospital where my son was born would not release our baby until a nurse verified we had an adequate car seat installed in our vehicle.  I don’t really have a problem with that,  I want my kids to be as safe as possible while in the car.  But why are these seats such a pain in the a$$ to install and use? 

I consider myself somewhat mechanically inclined. I have built decks, installed sinks and taps in my house, installed car stereos, snow tires, changed oil, head lights , spark plugs etc. My van has “Stow n’ Go’ seats, a prime example of engineering at its’ best.  Follow 4 clearly labelled steps and voila, a seat is usable or folded into the floor.  But in comparison, installing car seats is frustrating and primitive.  Initially I thought this was perhaps an anomaly to the one brand we chose, and my ineptness. But after purchasing 2 more seats of various brands, and reading on-line statistics suggesting up to 2/3’s of car seats are incorrectly installed, this is clearly a common problem. If so many users are struggling…it’s bad design.

The installation instructions are about as useful as those from my last IKEA purchase.  Why is the strap used to attach to the seat anchors only adjustable on one side? I’m not a small guy but apparently I have to climb on top of the seat, perform some physical contortions, than pull with all my might with the hope of actually getting this thing tight. No wonder there are car seat clinics and professionals charging to install these seats. I’ve spoken to Police officers who have said they come across many improperly installed kid’s seats. Is it really the best our engineers can do…to suggest I use a rolled up towel or swim noodle to place under the seat to try to compensate for seat angle? Is that what they do with the space shuttle launch to get the projection just right? Just roll up a towel and stick it under one leg? Sigh…

Now that the seat is installed could we perhaps work on a harness that can be buckled twice in a row without the straps magically twisting?  And just maybe have a buckle that doesn’t require herculean strength to release? I understand it needs to be kid proof but could we perhaps find a happy medium?

And while we are on the topic of the harness, how about inventing one that will work with a snow suit? In my part of the world -20 is not uncommon, but now I’m supposed take the kids snow suit off before putting them into the car, while not wasting energy by letting the vehicle idle to warm up.  Seriously?  We can do better….

Perhaps your kids are incredibly coordinated or you don’t let them eat or drink in the car, but in our case the car seats get dirty from spills and accidents.  When I looked at the skin or cover I saw wonderful elastic straps holding it in place on the plastic frame. Silly me thinking this meant I could remove the seat cover and simply throw it in the washing machine. But after removing the seat from the car to achieve said cleaning, I discovered the seat cover could almost be removed…but not quite. Yep that’s right. Not only could I NOT remove the cloth cover for cleaning….I now had to reinstall the seat!

Now I understand the importance of expiry dates on cheese and bread. But having one on my car seat seems to cross the line on the nanny state front.  I get that newer is often better, but you can’t legislate common sense.  Yes if the seat is damaged or worn it should be discarded. But the law lacks logic and is a little baffling. I can put the kid’s seat into a 20 year old rust bucket of a car, as long as the seat has not passed an arbitrary date stamped onto the plastic? 

Okay, so perhaps I have embellished my anguish and yes these are clearly first world problems. For the record, I continue to religiously use the seats for my daughter. Thankfully my son is now at the booster seat phase. But here's a shout out to engineers… who’s up to the challenge to make these things a little more user friendly? Beuler? Bueler? 

Happy Birthday Bella!

It’s our dog’s 10^th birthday this month…there will be no cake or parties. Instead she gets her own blog post.   Bella was our first born, our “fur baby” as my wife likes to say.  Was she good preparation for the 2 legged munchkins we now have roaming around the house? Probably, and it’s been an interesting and rewarding 10 years.  If you have seen the movie “Marlie and Me” you may understand our experience. While Bella was never as crazy as Marlie, she has had her moments, and our bond to her is also memorable.

Bella came to us as a 3 month old pup, as the result of a 'friend of friend' looking for a good home. I received a few photos by email of a cute pup asking if we were interested. 

I forwarded the photos to my wife, knowing it was probably a done deal. Her response… “Are Labrador’s affectionate?” We went and picked her up that night and never looked back.

There have been some interesting “highlights” along the way.  Labrador’s are indeed affectionate, and as puppies they also have an affection for chewing things.  As proof of her pedigree she shredded her dog bed, a favourite pair of my wife’s sandals, my leather gloves, and the whicker seat of one of our kitchen chairs…and countless tennis balls. 

A close encounter with a Chevy meant we thought we were going to lose her. It resulted in a bloody & speedy trip to the animal hospital and a hefty vet bill, but she bounced back stronger than ever.

As good dog parents, she went everywhere with us, vacations, trips to the family cottage, etc. We have walked hundreds of miles together and thrown more tennis balls with the 'chuck it' than I care to remember.  We knew we wanted to add kids to our family and we felt we had a dog with the right temperament…but would she be jealous? How would she react to an inevitable demotion? When my son arrived 6 and half years ago; Bella immediately realized her job description had changed, she now had another human to watch over and she took that job to heart. 

She was the first to hear a cry from the nursery, and insisted on being in the nursery to watch during diaper changes etc.  And she has been watching out for him ever since.

Now it may seem like sunshine and lollipops, but if you are considering a dog AND kids, there are things to consider.

It’s easier to take kids too many places than a dog… not everyone is a fan of our 4 legged friends. Dog sitters don’t come cheap, and there is guilt to be paid for leaving Fido behind with strangers. 

If you like to do road trips, open your wallet for a bigger vehicle. Kids will utilize the back seats, the dog needs more room…Our dog has luggage too! If you want to stop along your road trip for lunch…the dog may have issues being locked in a car in the heat of July.

When you are exhausted because the kid(s) have been up half the night, for the 3^rd day running, the dog still needs to be walked and loved. If the dog chewed your shoes before you had the kids…he will afterward, including the babies shoes.

The dog will need protection from the kids and vice versa. Toddlers don’t understand that Fido doesn’t appreciate fingers in the eyes, ear pulls and tail bites. And Fido doesn’t understand that the 18 month old can’t play shake a paw, and a wagging tail is a weapon right at face level.

There is a reason why the Labrador Retriever is the most popular dog in North America.  In our case Bella proved to be a great dog, we have yet to find a mean streak and now she not only loves her 6.5 year old boy but a 13 month old girl. She got a mini van so she can ride to the cottage in comfort. She no longer chews my gloves, but makes up for it with constant shedding of that shiny black pelt EVERYWHERE. But yes dear, Labrador's ARE affectionate…to the extreme. So at the start of year 11, I think she’s a keeper!

My SAHD Journey: Installment Three

Now that I’m a little way into my journey as a stay at home dad, here are the top 10 things I’ve learned thus far, in no particular order.  

1. Just because we CAN now sleep an hour later each morning, doesn’t mean we will.  Even if the kids sleep through the wife’s early morning shower, the dog’s enthusiastic greeting with the tail whack on the walls would even wake the dead… sleeping past 6:30  a.m.  is a rarity for any of us. We are morning people now, whether we like or not.

2. The odds of the youngest filling her diaper, when it’s time to take the boy to school, increases exponentially if we are already running late.

3. Having a second kid doesn’t make for a better night’s sleep…now there are too sets of noises from two rooms that parents are genetically programmed to hear at 2:00 am….no matter how insignificant.

4. My 6 year old can remember his score on Nintendo Wii U from 3 weeks ago, but he can’t remember to be quiet for three minutes when it’s his sister’s nap time.

5. Mini vans are not mini….and not the root of all that it is evil in the automotive world. I hate to admit they are not only practical, but pleasant to drive. But I’m not yet ready to say I “like” owning one.  I do have my image to consider…  

6. We think we’ve come a long way as a liberal society, but people are still surprised that a Dad could and would be the one to stay home with the kids. Newsflash to the unenlightened…real dads don’t babysit…

7. Many people still don’t get what adoption means….an adopted child IS my “real” child. There is no grey area, no rating system.

8. It’s true that with the second child much of the bubble wrap comes off much sooner.  A little dirt is good for the immune system right?  Add in a 6 year old big brother and this kid is going to be tough!

9. Grandparents get just as excited with the 2^nd grandchild as they did with the first.

10. When you have an “aha” moment and think you have finally solved the parenting riddle, the kids move the goal post and once again you are in the dark trying to figure it all out.  

My SAHD Journey: Installment Two

Structure! That’s what kids need, structure and routine! That sounds reasonable, right? I can definitely see the benefits of structure and routine. It’s predictable, it’s safe, most everybody else does it, and supposedly it turns kids into well adjusted angels.

I bought in...For more years than I care to remember I have climbed out of bed between 6:30 and 7:00 am, had a shower, 2 cups of coffee, dropped a kid off at daycare and then joined the commuter shuffle, trying to find the path of least resistance to the office. After spending the day at work, keeping customers and managers as satisfied as possible, it was time for the commuter shuffle in reverse. Then jam a day’s worth of parenting into 2 hours, until kiddy bedtime…repeat. 

Now into my 4^th week as a stay at home dad, I’ve stepped off one treadmill, and trying not to step onto another.  I have to wonder if all that structure is actually more for the parent than the child. And maybe, just maybe it’s a little over rated?!  At this point, meeting the needs and expectations of an 11 month old toddler is not exceptionally difficult. In fact it’s quite manageable.  What’s proven to be more challenging is to relax, and let go of some of the structure and routine that I did faithfully for so many years.  As it stands, with a 2 nap day for the youngest, and a set time for school drop off and pickup for my 1^st grader, the day is structuring itself. The gaps in between are surprisingly short, and fill themselves easily with day to day chores.

What is proving to be more challenging is finding some unstructured time to get the hell out of the house! Yes it will get easier once the winter relents, but at the moment, being largely home for 22 hours a day grates. Yes I'm counting,  I was not made to be housebound! 

While I know it’s important to stay “in the moment” I can’t help but yearn for longer, warmer days that will allow for some new outdoor adventures. 

The bikes are looking awfully lonely in the shed! I can't wait to introduce our youngest to the joys of cycling. The seat has been waiting a few years for a new rider. But above all I will need to remind myself that it’s okay to depart from routine, because kids are resilient and so are adults! So if that snow we got today stays on the ground who knows what could happen! Perhaps something radical, like tobogganing on Clarkson's "Kentucky Hill".  Going forward, in a never ending quest for balance, the goal will be to let go of unnecessary routine, and make room for the spontaneity of life. But now I’ve gotta run, it’s my scheduled bedtime…

My SAHD Journey:Installment One

I am now a believer in the theory that parents suffer from a genetic amnesia disorder that makes you forget all the horrendous days and nights we experienced as parents…to insure survival of the species. Otherwise would anyone have a second child? Come on now, dig deep into the memory bank, invoke images of the smelly diapers, sleepless, puke filled, nights with endless shrieking and tears… and then tell me it ain’t so! 

Clearly I suffer from this disorder, having recently embarked on my latest adventure as a “stay at home dad” (SAHD) with our newest addition to the family … a little sweetheart, a 10 month old little girl!

This time around is a little different, she is a girl, and because we have adopted her, we missed the first 10 months of care.  And with that we missed many sleepless nights filled with new born noises and needs including the 2 a.m. feedings. I’m grateful she had such terrific care from a wonderful foster Mother, we now reap the benefits in a well-adjusted, happy, 10 month old toddler.

Now 3 weeks into my adventure as a SAHD the reality and gravity of it all is sinking in. I feel the stress of the last few weeks of work leaving me.  The uncertainty of the final days leading up to the adoption is now over, and a daily routine is beginning to take shape.  And my son appears to be abundantly pleased to finally be a big brother.

I am amazed at how much I have forgotten in the six and a half years since my son came onto the scene…how to load the refills into the diaper genie, how difficult it is to install a car seat, how much food a 10 month old eats, the significant expensive of diapers and formula, and more. And I’m equally amazed how quickly it all comes back.  

I have noticed a big difference on how we have handled a new baby in the home compared to the first time around. When my son came home I contemplated asking for a police escort to protect us from the hooligans on the 401, I measured the water and formula powder with the precision of a chemist. Every sound and new behaviour invoked fear that we had done something wrong. This time around the confidence is certainly higher.  And there is a realisation that kids need love and care, but are also resilient. And perfection is not a prerequisite to parenthood (thank god).

In the days ahead I hope to share my new journey as a stay at home dad. I know the days will not all be sunshine and lollipops…until of course the amnesia kicks in again….