Why We Will Always Have a Dog!

As first published on BabyPost.com

We have a dog…we are not sure if the dog knows she is a dog,  but she clearly is a big goofy 11 year old black Labrador Retriever.  We also have 2 kids, almost 2 and 7 years of age. Yes, we are the poster family for a minivan.  Should you get a dog? I don’t know the answer to that, but for us it’s been a great ride.  

It was the summer of 2005 when I got an email at work, with the picture of a 3 month old Labrador puppy and the heading ‘Looking for a good home”.   My wife and I had been contemplating getting a dog and starting a family was also on the horizon, we just weren’t sure what order they would arrive.  The email proved to be life changing. We went that night to meet “Bella”, we pretty much knew that unless something highly unusual occurred we were likely coming home with a puppy.  We are both dog people, Lisa grew up with the small dog breeds, I grew up with bigger dogs including Labradors and German Shepherds.  Because of my experience with the bigger breeds, my wife asked me “Are Labradors affectionate?”  A good question considering we were hopeful to add kids to our family very soon.  The answer to the question came easily, and if you have never met a Labrador, yes they are quite affectionate.

Bella came home with us that evening, and our lives have never been the same since.  If you have seen the movie “Marley and Me” you may have an idea what it’s like to have a crazy, loveable, high energy dog move in with you.   Bella’s tail has more strength than a bionic limb; it rarely rests, and is the perfect height to clear off most coffee tables.  No coffee cup, vase, or magazine is safe.   She quickly learned basic English…the mere mention of the W-A-L-K word resulted in excitement overload.   Shoes were chewed, leather gloves were shredded, and floors were peed on.  We knew that Labs tended to be excitable and slower to grow up than other breeds, but Bella took this to the max.  Despite the antics Bella quickly became a part of the family and her unique personality was revealed. Along with her exuberance was incredible loyalty and affection. This dog loved her people and could be found anywhere we were, at the cottage, swimming in the lake, walking in the parks, and sleeping in the bed.

I would be lying to suggest the thought didn’t cross my mind on whether this dog would be suitable for a family with babies and toddlers. Our concern was not about a mean temperament, or biting. But would her hyper behaviour send toddlers flying across the room?  Would her very strong bond with us result in jealous behaviour?  We weren’t sure… we also didn’t want to think about what we would do if she didn’t react well to the arrival of kids.

I grew up with animals, I believe I was 3 and my sister 10 when my parents caved in to the requests for a puppy, and we had a steady stream of dogs, cats, and even a pony throughout my childhood and adolescence.  I know there are those that feel it’s irresponsible to have pets with young children. But given my experience I think the advantages far outweigh the challenges…and there are challenges.

I can’t speak for my parents but from a kid’s point of view, it just seemed second nature to have a dog.  As a young boy they provided great companionship when there were no other kids around.  They provided a heated pillow while lying on the rec room floor watching tv. They taught me to care for other living creatures. I learned that while dogs were different than me, could not talk, they clearly were capable of being hurt, being loved and loving, as well as communicating in different ways.  And they introduced me to the concept of loyalty, no matter what stupid juvenile stunts I pulled, the family dog always stood by me, even when my Mom wasn’t speaking to me.

 Now all those years later, roles reversed and acting as parent, we had Bella. And sure enough the first kid did arrive when Bella was emerging from her puppy years as a 3 year old.  The shoe chewing had stopped, but her sheer enthusiasm for just being alive had not waned.   In 3 years we had never seen any anger or aggression in her temperament. 

In July of 2008 our son arrived. Before we brought him home we let Bella smell one of his blankets so the scent would be familiar.  Bella eagerly greeted us when we brought our boy home, the nose sniffing and tail wagging in high gear. I held her tightly by the collar and let her inspect our new bundle. Her excitement was clear but she seemed to understand that this package was special with some fragility and she settled down.   She quickly adapted to the routine of having another little human in the house, and was quite happy to have company during the day now with Lisa and the baby home on parental leave. It was not long before she recognized the crying baby and if we didn’t react soon enough she would get our attention and stare at us intently with a “aren’t you going to do something” look. And almost 8 years later I can say we still have not witnessed any aggression.  Our second child arrived a year ago with Bella as a “senior citizen”. She quickly adopted this new toddler as one of her people and her same loyal, patient, gentleness continues.    

Now we are not from the school of thought that dogs and toddlers should be together without supervision or boundaries.  In many ways we were more concerned about the dog getting hurt than the toddlers. Kids don’t have great judgement and don’t know their own strength. So we have done our best to protect Bella from ear pulls, fingers in the eyes…and other areas. We try to always insure Bella has a way to escape, never feeling trapped.  For the most part we have been successful.  But a great dog means they are prepared for the worst, those moments when we don’t run interference quick enough.

Bella is the ultimate good sport. Over the years she has willing submitted to having her toe nails painted green,  a toddler eating her kibble, being sprayed with the hose, being puked on, and her tail scotch taped, to name just a few interactions.  To date this dog has accepted this with grace, at most a belly grumble or sigh, never aggression.  

Our son is 7 now, and he has become a great dog lover and is showing his little sister how to be gentle with this furry member of our family.  Perhaps the lack of allergies and strong immune system are also thanks to the constant companionship of our Bella.

I won’t say there have been no regrets or second thoughts, there have been a few.  If you are seriously thinking of adding a dog to your family there are a few things you should know.  It’s not always easy…and your life will change. In some ways a dog is a tougher commitment than a child.  Not everywhere you visit welcomes a dog.  Not every hotel welcomes a dog.  Not every family member likes a dog. Working late is tougher when you have a dog.  Going on vacation gets more complicated with a dog.  Selling a house gets more complicated when you have a dog. Buying a vehicle has more limitations when you have a big dog.  Vets are expensive if and when the dog gets sick. Dogs shed and track in dirt. Dogs need to get outside and need exercise everyday rain or shine.  And unlike kids, dogs don’t grow up, they remain dependent on you for their entire lives, and that life can be long. 

But if none of that scares you off, than buckle up, you are in for a great ride!  You will be welcomed home enthusiastically EVERY DAY, no matter how big of a jerk you have been. You will witness heartwarming interactions with your kids and you will experience unconditional love at its purest.    

When Dad Goes Back to Work

As first published on BabyPost.com

 

It’s Monday, the kids were up at 6:45, getting breakfast into them only required 17 reminders to “sit down and finish your toast”.  We made it to daycare and school drop offs on time and nothing was forgotten, mitts, hats, lunch, backpacks successfully delivered.  The commute to the office was 45 minutes, I’ve had worse.  The coffee shop even got my coffee right…  Than the dreaded phone call from Daycare came at 11:30am, just as I got off the phone with a client.  The daycare never calls to tell you everything is wonderful, today was no exception. My daughter had a fever of 103F.  Were laptops invented by parents for parents? So we can pack up an office in 10 minutes, rescue a kid, and be able to start up again at home, a few hours later?

Now if this were a “one off” incident it wouldn’t rent much space in my head. But anybody that ever put a Toddler into daycare knows that is not the case. We’re now a few months into the daycare experience with my 20 month old daughter, and the place is an incubator for every cold and flu bug that ever graced the planet.  My wife perhaps jinxed us this morning with the glib comment; “wow we went a whole week without a sick day!”   The 7 day record was not to be extended to week 2…

The drive from the office to get home to look after an ailing toddler leaves ample time for the parental guilt to show itself. The monologue starts with; if I had not gone back to work this Fall she wouldn’t be sick…she wasn’t sick the entire 9 months I was off with her.  Why are we paying what’s equivalent to a second mortgage payment for daycare when it seems she is home sick more than at daycare?  Is my employer going to think I’m making this stuff up? Who gets sick this often?  Maybe she is not cut out for daycare?  And so the conversation with me continues for the duration of the drive.

I know I’m not the first parent that struggles with the decision to go back to work and put the kids in daycare.  My wife took on this challenge with our first child, who’s now in Grade 2, and for the record has a bullet proof immune system, after surviving daycare from the age of 11 months.  I cannot recall speaking with any parent in my circles that found going back to work, after a parental leave, easy. So why do we do it? I wish the answer was clear cut.

I wonder if the answer is clear cut for Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, who has made some headlines by announcing he will take a whopping 2 months of Paternity leave when his daughter is born.  I have to restrain myself to avoid being too judgemental (and sarcastic) about somebody’s decision to take an 8 week leave from work, when they have more money and resources than some small countries. I should not be questioning his motivation; I trust it’s for the right reason. I do question some of the media pundits that seem to think this is some great example for the average family man. While it might make a positive statement, yes men should step up and take some time to be stay at home parents, in most other aspects it is not in the least representative of what 99% of working parent’s experience.  It would be nice if economics didn’t factor into the decision around going back to work or being a stay at home parent.  However the reality for many, if not the majority of families is that 2 incomes are a requirement not a luxury. I also realize that some will say it’s still our choice, and that’s true, but it’s not a choice without consequences.

From my experience, or better yet our experience, my wife and I together debated long and hard about if and how it would look if one of us decided to stay home indefinitely.  The benefits for family life are numerous.  There is value in being at your kid’s school every morning and every afternoon, to see his teacher face to face and meet his friends.  The time to stop at the playground on the walk home, and then still having ample time to tackle homework before dinner is great.  Being able to attend school assemblies, Christmas pageants, dentist appointments, sports tournaments without feeling guilty about taking time off work is terrific.  Having the flexibility to take the kids to the beach on ANY summer afternoon is hard to beat.   Not having to scramble for a babysitter when there is a snow day is a relief.

But as with most good things, it would come at a price. In our case it would have required some serious financial sacrifices.  While we don’t live in a palace, we would have had to look at selling our bungalow and moving to condo or townhouse further out of the city. Going down to one car would likely also have been required and probably some kind of part time weekend work for one of us would still have been required to make ends meet.  Another consideration is the career sacrifice that would happen with a decision not to return to work.  Every month or year away from the working world the less attractive and competitive I would be to a future employer. Good jobs and good employers are not easy to find. A decision to walk away from a decade of hard work and good will with a company does not come lightly.      

 In my case I was fortunate to have the opportunity to be a Stay at Home Dad for over 9 months with my daughter and 7 year old son.  It was an experience that I won’t soon forget it. I believe it changed me, for the better.  I admit that in the first few days I wondered how I would fill the days, especially in the depths of winter. But the time flew by.  Raising a family is great time filler!  Perhaps that is what I will miss the most, now that I am back at work…just having more time.  It became less of a chore to cut the grass and maintain the pool, clean the cars, making dinner, keep the flowers and tomatoes from dying, walking the dog, helping with homework, and lying on the grass goofing around with the kids.  NOT rushing ALL the time was sweet.

Even with today’s events I realize I’m one of the lucky ones.  In Canada we are fortunate to have Employment insurance and labour laws that grant parents generous time off for parental leave. Yes it was a pay cut, yes it required some sacrifice, but it was doable. I like the Scandinavian model of 1 year off for each parent consecutively. But we need only look to our neighbours to the south where many parents go back to work within a few weeks after giving birth, to appreciate our social system.

 I am fortunate to have an employer that I could confide in about our adoption journey, long before I knew it would be successful.  The gang at Protection Plus were firmly behind me in my decision to be the Stay at Home Dad, even though it was also tough for them to fill the hole I suddenly left behind.  There are benefits to working with people that understand the commitments of Family must be balanced with loyalty to the job, and we don’t get it right every day… 

In fairness and honesty I have to also say that going back to work also has benefits.  There is something to be said for having “adult conversations” between 9am and 5pm.  When your daytime companions are 4 feet and 2 feet tall, the conversations are often not the most intellectually stimulating.  There is also the energy that comes with engaging in business, going after the sale, learning about new technology, it challenges and refreshes the mind. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, I am happy to see my family at the end of the work day. The money doesn’t hurt either!  Now if we could just do something about the guilt….

By all accounts it was an awesome summer for our family. It was the first time I was home with a seven-year-old boy and an eighteen-month-old toddler. I was a little apprehensive at first about whether I could keep them both occupied while maintaining my sanity. However, our days were incredibly busy as we jammed in as much activity we could. I’m thankful we had mostly sunny days allowing for plenty of outdoor activity.
The weeks flew by! Now fall is well and truly upon us, and the seven-year-old is back to school… so what’s changed here?
My top ten list is below!
1. I’m not finding wet bathing suits and boys underwear left randomly throughout the backyard.
2. Footwear; the seven-year-old is complaining about having to wear socks and real shoes. Crocs and bare feet don’t cut it at school!
3. Ketchup consumption has dropped by about 80%, as the daily grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch with seven times more ketchup then he needs have been reduce to a more manageable twice a week.
4. I now only have to ask the magic question “Did you flush the toilet?” three times a day.
5. Bike rides are a lot quieter during the school year. Only my son can continue to ask questions non-stop while pedaling uphill at a 40 degree incline in 37C heat… expecting immediate answers!
6. The daily inquiry about whether we are driving or walking to school is back. The seven-year-old prefers to drive.
7. The dog is much more rested, not having to fight for space on the couch or play for hours on end in the back yard.
8. When I pick up the iPad, the battery still has a charge in it and the screen isn’t sticky to the touch from Dorito snacks.
9.  It is possible to walk the length of the house barefoot without sustaining debilitating injuries from stepping on Legos that fell off my son’s latest creation.
10. I haven’t had to explain (for the 47^th time) why he has to do school work when school’s out for the summer. Now that school’s back in session, school work is just a given!
In all seriousness, I’m sad summer vacation has come to a close; our days are getting shorter and the weather is definitely getting colder. I don’t know if my kids will remember summer 2015, but I certainly will!
The obsession with work and the need for two incomes for most of us to make ends meet is having an impact on Canadian families. I’m grateful that this year I was able to spend unrushed quality time with my family. We often go to great lengths and expense to give our kids presents, but in reality giving them our presence is the best gift of all.
I don’t remember much about the stuff I had as a kid, but I vividly remember the time I spent with my Dad. I was lucky enough that my Dad’s job enabled him to have me around a lot… and he was! This summer I was able to pay some of that quality time forward.
I am grateful for the opportunity.
- See more at: http://www.babypost.com/parents/parenting/ten-fall-changes-every-stay-home-parent-appreciates#sthash.zh1FdOHu.dpuf

By all accounts it was an awesome summer for our family. It was the first time I was home with a seven-year-old boy and an eighteen-month-old toddler. I was a little apprehensive at first about whether I could keep them both occupied while maintaining my sanity. However, our days were incredibly busy as we jammed in as much activity we could. I’m thankful we had mostly sunny days allowing for plenty of outdoor activity.
The weeks flew by! Now fall is well and truly upon us, and the seven-year-old is back to school… so what’s changed here?
My top ten list is below!
1. I’m not finding wet bathing suits and boys underwear left randomly throughout the backyard.
2. Footwear; the seven-year-old is complaining about having to wear socks and real shoes. Crocs and bare feet don’t cut it at school!
3. Ketchup consumption has dropped by about 80%, as the daily grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch with seven times more ketchup then he needs have been reduce to a more manageable twice a week.
4. I now only have to ask the magic question “Did you flush the toilet?” three times a day.
5. Bike rides are a lot quieter during the school year. Only my son can continue to ask questions non-stop while pedaling uphill at a 40 degree incline in 37C heat… expecting immediate answers!
6. The daily inquiry about whether we are driving or walking to school is back. The seven-year-old prefers to drive.
7. The dog is much more rested, not having to fight for space on the couch or play for hours on end in the back yard.
8. When I pick up the iPad, the battery still has a charge in it and the screen isn’t sticky to the touch from Dorito snacks.
9.  It is possible to walk the length of the house barefoot without sustaining debilitating injuries from stepping on Legos that fell off my son’s latest creation.
10. I haven’t had to explain (for the 47^th time) why he has to do school work when school’s out for the summer. Now that school’s back in session, school work is just a given!
In all seriousness, I’m sad summer vacation has come to a close; our days are getting shorter and the weather is definitely getting colder. I don’t know if my kids will remember summer 2015, but I certainly will!
The obsession with work and the need for two incomes for most of us to make ends meet is having an impact on Canadian families. I’m grateful that this year I was able to spend unrushed quality time with my family. We often go to great lengths and expense to give our kids presents, but in reality giving them our presence is the best gift of all.
I don’t remember much about the stuff I had as a kid, but I vividly remember the time I spent with my Dad. I was lucky enough that my Dad’s job enabled him to have me around a lot… and he was! This summer I was able to pay some of that quality time forward.
I am grateful for the opportunity.
- See more at: http://www.babypost.com/parents/parenting/ten-fall-changes-every-stay-home-parent-appreciates#sthash.zh1FdOHu.dpuf

By all accounts it was an awesome summer for our family. It was the first time I was home with a seven-year-old boy and an eighteen-month-old toddler. I was a little apprehensive at first about whether I could keep them both occupied while maintaining my sanity. However, our days were incredibly busy as we jammed in as much activity we could. I’m thankful we had mostly sunny days allowing for plenty of outdoor activity.
The weeks flew by! Now fall is well and truly upon us, and the seven-year-old is back to school… so what’s changed here?
My top ten list is below!
1. I’m not finding wet bathing suits and boys underwear left randomly throughout the backyard.
2. Footwear; the seven-year-old is complaining about having to wear socks and real shoes. Crocs and bare feet don’t cut it at school!
3. Ketchup consumption has dropped by about 80%, as the daily grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch with seven times more ketchup then he needs have been reduce to a more manageable twice a week.
4. I now only have to ask the magic question “Did you flush the toilet?” three times a day.
5. Bike rides are a lot quieter during the school year. Only my son can continue to ask questions non-stop while pedaling uphill at a 40 degree incline in 37C heat… expecting immediate answers!
6. The daily inquiry about whether we are driving or walking to school is back. The seven-year-old prefers to drive.
7. The dog is much more rested, not having to fight for space on the couch or play for hours on end in the back yard.
8. When I pick up the iPad, the battery still has a charge in it and the screen isn’t sticky to the touch from Dorito snacks.
9.  It is possible to walk the length of the house barefoot without sustaining debilitating injuries from stepping on Legos that fell off my son’s latest creation.
10. I haven’t had to explain (for the 47^th time) why he has to do school work when school’s out for the summer. Now that school’s back in session, school work is just a given!
In all seriousness, I’m sad summer vacation has come to a close; our days are getting shorter and the weather is definitely getting colder. I don’t know if my kids will remember summer 2015, but I certainly will!
The obsession with work and the need for two incomes for most of us to make ends meet is having an impact on Canadian families. I’m grateful that this year I was able to spend unrushed quality time with my family. We often go to great lengths and expense to give our kids presents, but in reality giving them our presence is the best gift of all.
I don’t remember much about the stuff I had as a kid, but I vividly remember the time I spent with my Dad. I was lucky enough that my Dad’s job enabled him to have me around a lot… and he was! This summer I was able to pay some of that quality time forward.
I am grateful for the opportunity.
- See more at: http://www.babypost.com/parents/parenting/ten-fall-changes-every-stay-home-parent-appreciates#sthash.zh1FdOHu.dpuf

Do You Have it All? Can You?

(As published on BabyPost.com)

Do You Have it All?

Is it just me or is back to school time where we begin to see more articles about “Having it All”?  Perhaps it’s the end of summer vacations that causes our minds to re-evaluate our work, home, family, life balance.   Our North American culture seems to have established a bar that working parents, in particular women, are supposed to achieve or at least want to achieve.   I was curious as to the origins of this cultural phenomenon and it seems to go back to the early 80’s, from Cosmopolitan magazine and its’ famous editor Helen Gurley Brown. Her book titled “Having It All: Love, Success, Sex, Money . . . Even if You’re Starting With Nothing,” seems to have breathed life into this phrase.  Remarkably 30+ years later we are still talking about it. Perhaps as a man I’m treading on dangerous ground discussing this topic.  But here goes…

The term seems to go on the assumption that all women want to be rich, married, mothers, romanced daily, and CEO’s of Multi-National corporations.  This may well be the case for many… but simple stereotypes are usually woefully inaccurate at describing 50% of the population.  I personally know women who proclaim to be very content and feel they “have it all” by achieving one or 2 of the categories. Interestingly Gurley Brown didn’t even include having children in her thesis.   So are the women who willingly opted out of the career race, are happily married with kids, failures on the “having it all” scale? I have a friend who at 40 is very successful at her career, about to get married & has no desire for kids…is she a failure? I have a male friend that walked away from his teaching career to raise his kids, drives a rusty 12 year old station wagon with 300k on the odometer, and is remarkably content. Is he a failure at “having it all”?  Who’s setting the parameters of this scale?   Newsflash to Cosmopolitan, we don’t all have the same goals in life, men and women included.  Are we failures doomed to be miserable if we don’t have the desire to be the CEO of IBM?  I’ve met some remarkably happy people that would fail the Cosmo test.  I’ve also met some people that seem to have it all, materially…but are consistently miserable.  So just maybe this is a far more personal or individual story…

Although I am a born Canadian, my roots are from Europe, and my education was from the era where we were taught to challenge…rather than accept the first suggestion of what we should be or believe.  I would argue that the North American big business culture seems to want us all to double down on making more money each day, and climbing to the top of the corporate pyramid.  Any obstructions to the corporate goal should be dismissed…including family life.  I’ve attended some conventions of major corporations and felt afterward that it might be a little cultish.  Strong Kool Aid being served…  Evidence of this culture would be the fact that the average American worker leaves 5 paid vacation days on the table (unused) each year.  By law each country in the European Union must give 4 weeks paid vacation to its’ workers, in the U.S. one in four workers receives no paid time off.   And yet while the U.S. has the lowest vacation and other worker benefits (Canada is 3^rd from the bottom) their productivity numbers are only marginally better than Germany.  So have the Germans, Swedes and the Danes done a better job of “Having it All”?  Some would say yes.

Obviously this is a complex topic. It’s easy to blame others and institutions, but we all have a hand in our destiny.  Many of us complain about the lack of family time, yet we increasingly demand more 24 hour services, whether its grocery shopping, gasoline purchases, etc.  We never look the person in the eye that is working on Christmas Day at the airport.  She may be a Mother that has missed her kids opening their gifts. But we want to be in Florida, and heaven forbid we wait for another day. We make choices, some affect us directly others indirectly.

I know I’m not alone in regularly seeking to find a balance…how best to divide up the pie?  In the end it’s up to individuals to decide for themselves if they feel they “have it all”.  If not, what are we prepared to do about it?      

What I learned from Summer Vacation.

The family summer vacation has once again come to an end.  The wife has gone back to work and it’s just me and the 2 kids again at the homestead. So what did I learn from summer vacation….with my wife, 2 kids (7 and 17 months) and a black Labrador? Here is my top 10 list.

1. Taking this crew to a cottage for a week is serious work. In fact it felt like we were moving.  This vacation reassured me that buying  a “not so” mini-van this year when our 2^nd child arrived was the right choice…it is truly remarkable how much stuff we brought with us, and how it all fit in that van.  And just when you think it’s full… you can add three more bags.  I thought we were a little over the top until my neighbour packed up his 2 kids today in his minivan….and added a box trailer!

2.  Drive thru’s must have been invented by parents of young children for parents of young children. With a van loaded with 2 kids, a dog, a week’s worth of supplies, in 30C weather, ordering lunch through the car window is sheer genius.

3. People that sneer at parents with vans equipped with video players never spent 3.5 hours on the road with 2 young kids.  Are we there yet?

4. The distance and steepness from the end of the driveway to the cottage will be directly proportional to the amount of supplies and luggage you bring.

5. Seven year old boys  believe they know everything….but can still be lead to believe that when going to the forest for vacation they will only have wild berries, mushrooms and fish to eat,  that we find or catch ourselves…was that cruel? 

6.  Despite all attempts to bribe and/ or reason with him, our son would sleep, for the first time,  in the TOP bunk of the “coolest bunk beds ever” in the cottage.  And his parents would sleep lightly, anticipating the fall and the trip to the ER in the local hospital at midnight. 

  

7. As far as 7 year olds are concerned….swimming in a lake when you “can’t touch” is a problem even though swimming in a pool when you “can’t touch” is just fine… But only for the first 10 minutes, then it’s a good idea to swim to an island 2 miles away.

8. Its remarkable how much laundry is generated from a week at a cottage….I thought we just wore bath suits every day?

9. It is possible to have fun with no TV stations, Netflix or Wifi.  And yes, there are still places in Ontario where mobile phone service sucks, and yet life goes on!  

10. Parents suffer from serious memory problems…all the memories of work, temper tantrums, lack of sleep, aching backs, expenses, etc.,  disappear after witnessing the sheer joy of the kids jumping off a dock into a pristine lake and zooming down a zipline at Santa’s Village. 

Where to next year? P.E.I.?

Is Soccer Right for Us?

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a Soccer dad?!   As the Dad of a boy that has just turned 7, I wonder about which sports he should play.  We hear the stories about the “Hockey Parents” that turn the game into an unsavoury event….but Soccer should be safe right? It’s the gentleman’s game.  This is our 3^rd summer of soccer for DS7. The first year was quite comical…trying to get a half dozen 4 year olds' to do anything, let alone as a team,  is quite a challenge. But it was amusing and fun. In the second year a good coach managed to engage the kids and we could see the beginnings of some actual ‘soccer like’ play going on. The kids had fun so I was okay with it, and of course there were a few parents that clearly thought their kids (at 5 years of age) have a Fifa future.  Those that know me can see me doing some eye rolling….

Now we are in year 3, the news initially was good. We landed the same excellent coach. And this year is real soccer, with rules, referees, full field etc.  The mission statement is:   "The _____Soccer Club builds self esteem in the children of our community by developing athletic skills and sportsmanship through fun and friendly competition."   It all sounds good.  But now a month into the season I’m seeing those alleged traits we sneer at among the hockey parents and coaches, appearing on the soccer pitch. 

We have 6 and 7 year olds “playing” a game and a coach is dropping f- bombs at his players, playing his 2 top players for the entire game, while others sit on the sidelines,  encouraging his team to charge the opponents after a kick from the goalie, and to run up the score as high as possible.  

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those parents that believe kids should be in a bubble and not allowed to fail. I understand and believe that losing is part of life, and provide valuable lessons, but that is not what’s happening here.  I get it, that Soccer at the Rep or Professional level is as competitive as any sport, and you have to be tough to play, but we’re not there yet. These are 6 and 7 year olds, some playing for their first season.  So is it necessary to totally humiliate the opposing team after it becomes clear that they are not evenly matched?  How many goals should be scored before it’s enough? 8, 10, 12, 20?  Should it go to the point where the kids give up on the game and just don’t want to play anymore?    Now I’m hearing that during the preseason various coaches engaged in some “horse trading” among themselves in an attempt to stack their teams. Seriously?  

It all reminds me of my youth in elementary school, when an ill-tempered gym teacher had zero patience for those of us that weren’t star athletes.  That experience negatively impacted my self- confidence and turned me off sports.  Fortunately some of that damage was undone when I reached High School, where there was a very different attitude among the gym teachers and sport became fun.

So now I find myself wondering if this is just the way it has to be in team sports in this culture?  Fortunately I am not alone and have found other parents with the same concerns. So now what? We have an ally in our coach who loves the sport and the kids. He sees what this does to youngsters.  

I have contacted the club and expressed my concerns. Other parents are doing the same.  I wish I was more confident that things will change. I want my 7 year old to learn the gentlemen's game and have fun, but as of today, swimming is look good.

Not Mr. Mom

I’ve been a “stay at home Dad” since January and the experience has been enlightening to say the least. But I think the most surprising revelation has been how many people still think the idea of a Dad staying home with a toddler, instead of the Mother, is some great novelty.  I thought we had progressed further as a society, but alas on the parenting front I am finding it’s often a Mom's world.

Statistics suggest that about 20 % of Canadian men are taking parental leave.  I’m not sure why the number remains relatively low. But that is still a significant number of Dad’s choosing full time parenting over their careers. I don’t have statistics to support the percentage of working men that are also actively parenting their kids and have moved away from the idea that raising kids is “women’s work”. I tend to believe that in households where both parents work, the child rearing is more equally shared. I certainly see that behaviour among my peers, friends and neighbours.

Perhaps the most telling item is the number of times I’ve been asked how I am doing being “Mr. Mom.” Initially I found the comment cute, and responded with humorous replies and moved on… but after some thought, I now respond differently.

Why? Because my kids are lucky enough to already have a very capable and present Mom, and it’s not me!  And I come from family stock where Dad’s don’t babysit, they parent.  I realise the comments are usually made with the best of intentions but they go a long way to illustrate how we as a society still view fathers.  Even our female paediatrician remarked that I was surprising adept at dressing my daughter after an examination. Seriously!?  Do people still believe it’s a “Mad Men” world?   Now when I’m asked the Mr. Mom question I gently correct, with a “Nope, I’m Mr. Dad…Mom is much better looking.”

I am not here to argue for the absentee Dad, that’s a topic for another day.  But I do know of a lot of men that are very much in the trenches, raising their kids’ day in and day out beside their spouses, and sometimes on their own.  As men we don’t need to pretend to be Mom’s, we have plenty to offer our kids just as we are.

In our situation the decision of who would stay home with the kids was not taken lightly, nor was it to make a political statement. In the end it was based on what would be the best choice for the entire family given many factors including finances, career positioning and more.  My wife did it for our first child, and this time around it’s my turn.  I don’t know who is better cut out to be the stay at home parent, and it really doesn’t matter. It’s something that needs to get done…so we are doing it. We both bring different attributes to the parenting table…which makes us stronger as a family. We don’t need to compete with each other or try to be like the other. 

Now, almost 6 months into the journey I am under no illusion that I am to be impersonating a Mother from 9-5 while my wife goes to work. My job is to be the caregiver and parent to a little girl and a 7 year old boy.  Each day there are diapers to change, runny noses to wipe, lunches to be made, library books to return, endless questions to answer, laundry to clean, toys to play with, snuggles on the couch, giggles after a wrestling match on the bed, wagon rides to and from school, and so much more. It’s the toughest yet also the most rewarding “job” I’ve ever encountered. The last time I checked this is called parenting. And for better or worse this Dad is on duty, not to be mistaken for a mom.   

My Child Car Seat Rant

Technological advancements in this day and age amaze me on a regular basis. My phone knows to go silent when I’m in a scheduled meeting, I can turn on my home alarm system from another country, I can start my van with a push of a button while sitting in my living room… so why haven’t kid’s car seats evolved in the past 25 years?  Other than to get more expensive...

I distinctly remember the process of buying a car seat for our first born…because it was anything but simple.  It’s not just a seat…it’s a “travel system”.   Is the seat also to substitute as baby carrier? Does the seat/carrier need to be compatible with the stroller? Can a base be bought separately to go into a 2^nd vehicle? What is the weight limit…in other words how long will the seat be usable? Once the seat is too small does that also render the $600 stroller useless? And on it goes…  So while all these choices must be made and they all come with a sizeable price tag, one would think the experience is all good going forward?  Well, from my experience no…so yes this is a bit of rant…

In Canada we are legally required to have car seats, the hospital where my son was born would not release our baby until a nurse verified we had an adequate car seat installed in our vehicle.  I don’t really have a problem with that,  I want my kids to be as safe as possible while in the car.  But why are these seats such a pain in the a$$ to install and use? 

I consider myself somewhat mechanically inclined. I have built decks, installed sinks and taps in my house, installed car stereos, snow tires, changed oil, head lights , spark plugs etc. My van has “Stow n’ Go’ seats, a prime example of engineering at its’ best.  Follow 4 clearly labelled steps and voila, a seat is usable or folded into the floor.  But in comparison, installing car seats is frustrating and primitive.  Initially I thought this was perhaps an anomaly to the one brand we chose, and my ineptness. But after purchasing 2 more seats of various brands, and reading on-line statistics suggesting up to 2/3’s of car seats are incorrectly installed, this is clearly a common problem. If so many users are struggling…it’s bad design.

The installation instructions are about as useful as those from my last IKEA purchase.  Why is the strap used to attach to the seat anchors only adjustable on one side? I’m not a small guy but apparently I have to climb on top of the seat, perform some physical contortions, than pull with all my might with the hope of actually getting this thing tight. No wonder there are car seat clinics and professionals charging to install these seats. I’ve spoken to Police officers who have said they come across many improperly installed kid’s seats. Is it really the best our engineers can do…to suggest I use a rolled up towel or swim noodle to place under the seat to try to compensate for seat angle? Is that what they do with the space shuttle launch to get the projection just right? Just roll up a towel and stick it under one leg? Sigh…

Now that the seat is installed could we perhaps work on a harness that can be buckled twice in a row without the straps magically twisting?  And just maybe have a buckle that doesn’t require herculean strength to release? I understand it needs to be kid proof but could we perhaps find a happy medium?

And while we are on the topic of the harness, how about inventing one that will work with a snow suit? In my part of the world -20 is not uncommon, but now I’m supposed take the kids snow suit off before putting them into the car, while not wasting energy by letting the vehicle idle to warm up.  Seriously?  We can do better….

Perhaps your kids are incredibly coordinated or you don’t let them eat or drink in the car, but in our case the car seats get dirty from spills and accidents.  When I looked at the skin or cover I saw wonderful elastic straps holding it in place on the plastic frame. Silly me thinking this meant I could remove the seat cover and simply throw it in the washing machine. But after removing the seat from the car to achieve said cleaning, I discovered the seat cover could almost be removed…but not quite. Yep that’s right. Not only could I NOT remove the cloth cover for cleaning….I now had to reinstall the seat!

Now I understand the importance of expiry dates on cheese and bread. But having one on my car seat seems to cross the line on the nanny state front.  I get that newer is often better, but you can’t legislate common sense.  Yes if the seat is damaged or worn it should be discarded. But the law lacks logic and is a little baffling. I can put the kid’s seat into a 20 year old rust bucket of a car, as long as the seat has not passed an arbitrary date stamped onto the plastic? 

Okay, so perhaps I have embellished my anguish and yes these are clearly first world problems. For the record, I continue to religiously use the seats for my daughter. Thankfully my son is now at the booster seat phase. But here's a shout out to engineers… who’s up to the challenge to make these things a little more user friendly? Beuler? Bueler?