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Monday, 16 February 2015

My SAHD Journey: Installment Three

Now that I’m a little way into my journey as a stay at home dad, here are the top 10 things I’ve learned thus far, in no particular order.  

1. Just because we CAN now sleep an hour later each morning, doesn’t mean we will.  Even if the kids sleep through the wife’s early morning shower, the dog’s enthusiastic greeting with the tail whack on the walls would even wake the dead… sleeping past 6:30  a.m.  is a rarity for any of us. We are morning people now, whether we like or not.


2. The odds of the youngest filling her diaper, when it’s time to take the boy to school, increases exponentially if we are already running late.

3. Having a second kid doesn’t make for a better night’s sleep…now there are too sets of noises from two rooms that parents are genetically programmed to hear at 2:00 am….no matter how insignificant.

4. My 6 year old can remember his score on Nintendo Wii U from 3 weeks ago, but he can’t remember to be quiet for three minutes when it’s his sister’s nap time.

5. Mini vans are not mini….and not the root of all that it is evil in the automotive world. I hate to admit they are not only practical, but pleasant to drive. But I’m not yet ready to say I “like” owning one.  I do have my image to consider…  

6. We think we’ve come a long way as a liberal society, but people are still surprised that a Dad could and would be the one to stay home with the kids. Newsflash to the unenlightened…real dads don’t babysit…

7. Many people still don’t get what adoption means….an adopted child IS my “real” child. There is no grey area, no rating system.

8. It’s true that with the second child much of the bubble wrap comes off much sooner.  A little dirt is good for the immune system right?  Add in a 6 year old big brother and this kid is going to be tough!

9. Grandparents get just as excited with the 2nd grandchild as they did with the first.

10. When you have an “aha” moment and think you have finally solved the parenting riddle, the kids move the goal post and once again you are in the dark trying to figure it all out.  

Monday, 26 January 2015

My SAHD Journey: Installment Two

Structure! That’s what kids need, structure and routine! That sounds reasonable, right? I can definitely see the benefits of structure and routine. It’s predictable, it’s safe, most everybody else does it, and supposedly it turns kids into well adjusted angels.
I bought in...For more years than I care to remember I have climbed out of bed between 6:30 and 7:00 am, had a shower, 2 cups of coffee, dropped a kid off at daycare and then joined the commuter shuffle, trying to find the path of least resistance to the office. After spending the day at work, keeping customers and managers as satisfied as possible, it was time for the commuter shuffle in reverse. Then jam a day’s worth of parenting into 2 hours, until kiddy bedtime…repeat. 

Now into my 4th week as a stay at home dad, I’ve stepped off one treadmill, and trying not to step onto another.  I have to wonder if all that structure is actually more for the parent than the child. And maybe, just maybe it’s a little over rated?!  At this point, meeting the needs and expectations of an 11 month old toddler is not exceptionally difficult. In fact it’s quite manageable.  What’s proven to be more challenging is to relax, and let go of some of the structure and routine that I did faithfully for so many years.  As it stands, with a 2 nap day for the youngest, and a set time for school drop off and pickup for my 1st grader, the day is structuring itself. The gaps in between are surprisingly short, and fill themselves easily with day to day chores.

What is proving to be more challenging is finding some unstructured time to get the hell out of the house! Yes it will get easier once the winter relents, but at the moment, being largely home for 22 hours a day grates. Yes I'm counting,  I was not made to be housebound! 

While I know it’s important to stay “in the moment” I can’t help but yearn for longer, warmer days that will allow for some new outdoor adventures. 
The bikes are looking awfully lonely in the shed! I can't wait to introduce our youngest to the joys of cycling. The seat has been waiting a few years for a new rider. But above all I will need to remind myself that it’s okay to depart from routine, because kids are resilient and so are adults! So if that snow we got today stays on the ground who knows what could happen! Perhaps something radical, like tobogganing on Clarkson's "Kentucky Hill".  Going forward, in a never ending quest for balance, the goal will be to let go of unnecessary routine, and make room for the spontaneity of life. But now I’ve gotta run, it’s my scheduled bedtime…

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

My SAHD Journey:Installment One

I am now a believer in the theory that parents suffer from a genetic amnesia disorder that makes you forget all the horrendous days and nights we experienced as parents…to insure survival of the species. Otherwise would anyone have a second child? Come on now, dig deep into the memory bank, invoke images of the smelly diapers, sleepless, puke filled, nights with endless shrieking and tears… and then tell me it ain’t so! 

Clearly I suffer from this disorder, having recently embarked on my latest adventure as a “stay at home dad” (SAHD) with our newest addition to the family … a little sweetheart, a 10 month old little girl!

This time around is a little different, she is a girl, and because we have adopted her, we missed the first 10 months of care.  And with that we missed many sleepless nights filled with new born noises and needs including the 2 a.m. feedings. I’m grateful she had such terrific care from a wonderful foster Mother, we now reap the benefits in a well-adjusted, happy, 10 month old toddler.

Now 3 weeks into my adventure as a SAHD the reality and gravity of it all is sinking in. I feel the stress of the last few weeks of work leaving me.  The uncertainty of the final days leading up to the adoption is now over, and a daily routine is beginning to take shape.  And my son appears to be abundantly pleased to finally be a big brother.

I am amazed at how much I have forgotten in the six and a half years since my son came onto the scene…how to load the refills into the diaper genie, how difficult it is to install a car seat, how much food a 10 month old eats, the significant expensive of diapers and formula, and more. And I’m equally amazed how quickly it all comes back.  

I have noticed a big difference on how we have handled a new baby in the home compared to the first time around. When my son came home I contemplated asking for a police escort to protect us from the hooligans on the 401, I measured the water and formula powder with the precision of a chemist. Every sound and new behaviour invoked fear that we had done something wrong. This time around the confidence is certainly higher.  And there is a realisation that kids need love and care, but are also resilient. And perfection is not a prerequisite to parenthood (thank god).

In the days ahead I hope to share my new journey as a stay at home dad. I know the days will not all be sunshine and lollipops…until of course the amnesia kicks in again…. 

Sunday, 16 November 2014

A Canadian's Memories of the Berlin Wall

The 25th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall and the celebration that ensued was a pleasure to watch. 
It proved to trigger more than a few memories. While I was born in Scarborough Ontario, a long way from Berlin, the city is still a part of me, as it was the home to both my parents, my grandparents and many of my relatives. My Parents left Berlin for Canada in 1957, a few years before the wall was constructed but the border had already tightened immensely.

I grew up with the stories of my parents and there are many, stories of living through the bombings of Berlin, the disappearance of relatives that defied the Nazis,  the return of an Uncle captured by the Russians and not released from Siberia for ten years after the war had ended. The stories were plentiful, often difficult to comprehend while living in the safety and freedom of Canada.  The stories of the Russian soldiers arriving in horse drawn carriages were surreal.  Just as the American led Berlin airlift was heroic, to defy the Russians and keep West Berlin democratic and part of the free West Germany despite being an island in the communist controlled East Germany.

My parents have never stopped emphasizing how lucky we were that the allies defeated Hitler, and also stood their ground against the rise of Communism that surged after the 2nd world war.  As a kid I did question my parent’s earnestness at times, finding it hard to believe how bad it was. On paper the idea of a communist state seemed quite utopian.  In theory everyone was to be equal, all working toward a common good, protected by a paternalistic state. How bad could it be?  Well, the first hint was that a giant wall had to be built to keep the people in…though the official line was that it was to keep the westerners out…

None of it truly came to light for me until I made my first journey to Berlin as a young teenager. My parents felt it was important that I not only meet some of my relatives overseas but see first hand what the iron curtain was all about.

I was thirteen or 14 at the time of my first trip to Germany and to Berlin.  This was about 8 years before the fall of the wall. The communists were still entrenched in East Germany and the wall, keeping West Berlin as a landlocked island, was still very much in place. I spent a week in West Germany before venturing into Berlin. I loved my time in West Germany, Bavaria specifically, there was a very similar culture to Canada and I found a very free country. Watching “Dallas” dubbed in German during the time of “who shot JR” was a blast.

The trip to Berlin however was an eye opener.  We flew into Berlin in a smaller jet, a turbulent ride as the airspace was restricted by the communists. We landed in West Berlin and I experienced what felt like a dying city. The city was populated by “old“ people.  The younger generations had left for brighter shores.  Who wanted to start a family in a walled city? What corporations wanted to headquarter in a city under constant threat of being invaded by the east, where transportation was a huge hassle?  Berlin was an artificially sustained place to defy the Soviets, subsidized by West Germany and the Americans.  It was no longer the capital city. Travelling around the city was a little bizarre as once grand boulevards ended abruptly with a 3 meter high cement wall. 
The mood was morbid.   My mother chose to go back to the west by train, so I would get to see a little of what life in the communist side was about. My parents had long since become Canadian citizens and carried Canadian passports but I could still see the tension in my mother’s face as we dealt with East German customs, could there be a list somewhere of those that had “escaped” the east in the late 1950’s?  In the end the Canadian passport was respected and the East German guards treated us far better than our fellow German travellers.  We were forbidden to get off the train while travelling through the East, or have any contact with locals. As East Germans were not permitted to leave, the train was thoroughly searched inside and out by guards with search dogs at both borders and at any stops in between. When the train passed through the border into the west, it was though we had gone into a time warp.  The decay was striking, the infrastructure was crumbling, the people were dressed plainly and uniformly, and technological progress seemed to have stopped 30 years prior. But I think the sight of the Dobermans and German shepherds searching underneath the trains for potential escapees was what struck this 13 year old most.  Was this something right out of a bad movie? Unimaginable in Canada…right?

All the years of stories I had heard from my parents suddenly came to life, and became real, they now had context.  I now knew why my Grandparents had abandoned a house and a lifetime of memories and hard work to start over again in the West.  Now I understood why my family had smuggled clothes and cash out past the Russian border control, why neighbours had to be misled to ensure a successful escape. My Grandfather had begun to build an addition on the house to avoid suspicion by the authorities that they were thinking of leaving…permanently. 
My grandparents never saw that house again. I was the first family member to lay eyes on it 30+ years later when I returned to Berlin as a re-unified city.

I returned to Berlin in 1991 as a young adult about a year and a half after the wall had come down. The difference was stunning. Much of the city seemed like a construction site (visons of Toronto) and the positive energy and excitement was tangible in the air.  Walking through the Brandenburg gate (under restoration to restore it to its’ original design)  the former East German soldiers and police were selling their uniforms, chunks of the wall, East German currency (now worthless) and other paraphernalia. The wall had been bull dozed in many areas, streets and boulevards rejoined.
With the assistance of a great Uncle, I went on a bit of a pilgrimage to find the house my grandparents had abandoned 30 years prior.  It was a little challenging, the Communists’ had renamed the streets, and the uncle that was helping me was from my Mother’s side of the family and had never been to my Dad’s side of the family home.  With some verbal assistance from my Dad over the phone from Canada we ventured off to “AltGlienicke”. Before the time of Google maps and a GPS, instead we relied on landmarks and eventually my uncle suggested we find somebody that was old enough to have lived there before the war that might remember the old street names.  As luck would have it, the first fellow we asked for assistance turned out to be a former neighbour and work colleague of my Grandfather and was able to direct us to the place with ease and also to the graveyard where my Dad’s brother was buried.  I must say it was an emotional moment and I regrettably could not muster the nerve to knock on the door of the house to see who if anyone, lived there now. The reception may not have been friendly as technically we could have made a claim on it…but my Grandmother had closed the book on this part of her life and did not want us to reopen it…so we honoured her wishes. She was however keenly interested in the photos I brought back, and it gave her great peace to see that her sons’ grave site was being meticulously cared for…by who we don’t know.   

The living history lesson was incredible. I walked through what was formerly East Berlin freely. Watched the little "Trabants" with their 35 hp 2 stroke engines navigate traffic alongside VW Golf's and Mazda's. Saw the former parliament buildings of the East German government with the statues of the Marx and Engels now marked with Graffiti.  Those 10 days in Berlin were, in hindsight, life changing.  My roots became more real, yes I am a Canadian, born and bred.  But my history is undeniably in this great city.  I felt at home in Berlin, it was comfortable and all the stories I had heard growing up became mine…my history.  

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It's now been over 20 years since my last visit to Berlin.  Life happens, we get busy in the present, making ends meet, raising kids.  But I watched the 25th Anniversary with interest.  I was surprised how this milestone has caused me to look back and once again take stock of where I came from. My parents have now lived in Canada far longer than they lived in Berlin, Canada has always been my home. Our family here has grown and prospered. My sister lives a few hours away and I have a niece and nephew close by.   But still, these events and celebration were in a little way was also my family history unfolding.  So how thin does the thread get over time and by generation? As a dad of 6 year old I want to take him to Berlin, but I don’t think it will have the same impact it had on me. He is curious about what this is all about, and he does question his Opa about what the German language is all about, and wants to know if we can drive there on some weekend adventure. He asks if they too have tall buildings. If and or when I take him I don't know how he will feel. But it will be part of his story too…


Friday, 17 October 2014

Cutting the (TV) Cord.

About 6 weeks ago we decided to finally stare down Ma Bell and “cut the cord”.  I know we are not the first to go down this road and I’m grateful for some friends that have shared their experience.  From them we learned there was life after cable, though we were a little sceptical.  We didn’t come to the decision lightly, while we don’t watch a lot of TV in the summer, the winter evenings can be long, and the thought of not having a 100+ channels to surf was a little daunting.   

Suddenly,  I was having flashbacks to my childhood, growing up in Haliburton.  In those days cable was not available and satellite TV was not yet invented.  We had a black and white TV, and on the side of the house a 25 foot pipe held a massive antenna on top.  On a good day we got CBC, CTV and years  later Global.  Channel reception was contingent on weather and whether somebody could be coerced to go outside and turn the antenna while somebody else hollered out the window when the TV static and snow stopped and some semblance of a picture came through.   The programming fair of the time included The Beachcombers, The Tommy Hunter Show,  Hockey Night in Canada, Mr. Dress-up, The Friendly giant, and of course the Wayne and Shuster specials. Maybe that's why I was so thin in those days, with nothing to watch on TV, entertainment was found elsewhere.

Major milestones in my youth were the arrival of our first colour TV, a 20 inch “Zenith”, and the motorised rotor that turned the antenna with the turn of knob on a box beside the tv and an electric motor turning the aerial. This was high tech, circa 1975!
 My 6 year old was not interested in my nostalgia and was clearly horrified by the prospect of his TV “changing”. It was high drama when he thought he may not be able to watch Garfield and Scooby Doo before bed, and what about Wild Kratts after school? 

Needless to say Bell was not amused, and the "Loyalty department" worked very hard to change our minds. Never the less on Saturday morning a few weeks ago we awoke to a new era….no more cable TV and no more calls from the Duct cleaner Telemarketers on the land line, the cord was severed! 
Now 3 weeks into this new era we are doing okay.  During the weeks leading up to the end of our Bell services I did some research and chose an HD Antenna from a local computer shop.  This was not the monster antenna of my youth with the long aluminum arms, but instead it’s a plastic rectangular box with two plastic arms sticking straight out of each side.
When I arrived home with my $40 purchase my son and wife looked more than a little sceptical about my choice of satellite replacement.  I too was curious if this contraption would do anything or if I had just flushed $40 down the toilet.  But surely everything you read on the Internet is true…right?   I pulled it out of the box, attached a few feet of cable to it, set it on the living room window sill, attached it to the TV….and prayed that a picture would present itself.   And voila, after a channel scan, about 20 channels came through.  The biggest surprise is that we never knew how poor the satellite picture quality had been until we saw the High Definition that came from the free "over the air" signals.  Suddenly Peter Mansbridge looks much older, and the NFL games are spectacular. Now with this modest success I was emboldened to physically remove the dish off the roof and replaced it with our new best friend, the TV antenna.  Now with better aiming and 15 feet elevation,  the reception is even better and we now consistently get all the major US network channels from Buffalo and Rochester and the Canadian Networks, plus a few bonus channels I’ve never heard of before. Combine this with our $8 dollar a month Netflix service and I can honestly say my only regret is waiting so long to make this change.   I realize we are fortunate to live close to Lake Ontario with no high rise buildings near us to block signals, but I remain amazed how well this has worked out.  Now we just need to funnel all those $ savings into a vacation fund…Cuba here we come?

Monday, 13 October 2014

It's Closing Time.

Another Thanksgiving weekend is now behind us. A 5 hour drive back into the city complete, the dog is snoring loudly and the boy is showered and having sweet dreams of another day at school tomorrow.  Nothing has really changed from Friday, but it feels different…like an ending.  Perhaps this is still in me from the way I grew up.

Living in “cottage country” as a kid, and having parents in the tourist business, meant that this last long weekend of the season was always a busy time.  It was the one last chance to rake in some more business before the long wait until Boxing day, when the winter season officially started. I remember riding around “the Lake” (usually Kennisis)  in my dad’s pickup truck.
 It was time to collect from cottagers for jobs done after Labour day, and to make arrangements for winter work, like shovelling roofs in the winter. It was a mixture of social and business, as we were welcomed into the cottages. Many of those clients saw me grow up, many became friends of my parents. Some are still in touch to this day.

Meanwhile at the Base Camp, my mother would be multi-tasking, keeping the store open and the campers supplied while basting a Turkey or two for the Thanksgiving feast.  My mother’s boundless energy in those days meant that dinner could be for 6 or 26… it depended on who happened to be up that weekend, and who she could reach. Remarkably we always had more food than we could eat. Inevitably there would be some minor calamity. The weather could be cruel, snow and sleet were not unusual.  Power failures or brown outs were common back in the day. The electricity grid was fragile at the best of times, with every other cottage running an oven at 230 volts to cook a turkey and some  electric heaters to stay warm, the grid would become overloaded. The lights would dim or fail.  Being resourceful was the norm, and soon generators, propane lights, ovens and Coleman stoves were pressed into service.

Once I entered the working world the weekends were also intense.  Being the jack of all trades at the Backwoods Marina meant anything was possible.  It could start with a morning pulling docks out of frigid waters, followed by an afternoon of winterizing and washing algae stain boats that were going into storage.  Selling a few snowmobiles for the upcoming season was always in the mix.  And yet, somehow we always managed to gather for some turkey and share some gratitude for how fortunate we were.  I don't take credit for that, but am grateful the people that were around me at the time said, let's stop and give thanks.

Today my life is quite different.  Living in the city we take many things forgranted.  The power is reliable, the weather is warmer…longer.  Business is Monday to Friday, 9-5.  The urgency around this weekend is gone.  When we head to the country now to visit family at the cottage I have a different perspective.
Now, when I’m in the north, I’m the tourist, so the urgency and rush is not present.  Shutting down the water and winterizing the pump is perhaps nostalgic, and doesn’t feel like work.  Today there was time to walk in the woods, marvel at the show of colour Mother Nature has provided, admire the work of the beavers at the pond in the back forty, and take the time to answer the 1000 questions from my 6 year old boy.  There is something to be said for slowing down and taking the time to appreciate what's directly in front of us.

Thanksgiving is still a time to gather with friends and family, eat too much incredible food, and be thankful for the bounty that surrounds us.  But somehow it still feels like closing time, summer is over. Now where did I put my snow shovel?   

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

More Patience Please!

I can’t remember when I heard the line “I prayed to God for patience, and he answered me by giving me a son.”  But I have now come to fully appreciate the tragic humour in that statement. My son is about to turn the grand old age of 6. And its remarkable how much he already thinks he knows, and how often he thinks I’m wrong.  This would not be a problem if he kept those thoughts to himself, instead of arguing or attempting to negotiate his way through every request made of him. At the moment I can’t bear to think of what the teenage years will bring…

Parenting is clearly one of the most obvious opportunities to truly get to know your character flaws on many levels.  I now fully understand the parent curse of “just wait…one day you will have a kid who’s JUST LIKE YOU!” And I can also understand the glint in my father’s eye when he witnesses one of THOSE ‘battles of the wills’ between my son and me. 

Leading up to the birth of my son, I read a few of the top rated parenting books, attended a few lectures put on by experts, and thought…how tough can this be? All this knowledge and wonderful parenting goals of calmly reasoning with a child in a soothing tone, seemed pretty useful and logical, I’m teachable…I can do this…right? Funny but I don’t remember any of those books telling me that I had to put these wonderful parenting techniques into effect after the 3rd night in a row of minimal sleep, with a kid that won’t or can’t sleep, or after a 6 hour car ride with multiple tantrums with toys and shoes thrown at your head, or the absolute refusal to swallow food after an hour at the dinner table.

I now readily admit that before I became a parent when I witnessed a child’s defiance in a grocery store followed by a parental meltdown, I used to pass judgement thinking that the parent needed to get a grip. Now when I see that happen I try to make compassionate eye contact with the embattled parent sending a telepathic message of “this is just a phase…hang in there…I get it!” I’m now sceptical of parents that suggest every day is paradise.

I remember sitting in on an excellent Barbara Coloroso seminar.  She is one of the gurus I actually like since she doesn’t sugar coat the parenting experience. Nor does she expect parenting perfection. Her news was encouraging…she said that a child that argues, pushes back, doesn’t always accept everything a parent requests, is a sign of a child that will have the strength to resist negative peer pressure as a teen. She suggests that this defiance as a child is actually a character asset in disguise! So there is hope after all.  

So what have I learned in the 6 short years of parenting? I can’t begin to sum it all up here, but I do know that this munchkin has an uncanny ability to evoke all kinds of emotions in me…some good, some fantastic and others that are…well…less than attractive.  Patience has never been my strong suit. As a kid I had no time for a model airplane with a billion pieces, and today I can get frustrated when it’s daylight savings time and I have to change the time on the clock in my car…you know the one…that has more steps than the launch sequence for the space shuttle?

So while I can sell the car or just put black tape over the clock, I can’t stop being a parent. So while my son, at 6, has a lot of growing to do, clearly at 47 I do as well.  I’m quite certain I will never be known to my friends as ‘Ghandi like’ with an abundance of patience…I am realistic. But there is definitely room for improvement, and there is usually a better way to do almost anything if I can slow it all down and let reason return. Of course maintaining a sense of humour never hurts.  

The other saving grace is that the dark days or moments are followed by days and moments of sheer joy. There is nothing like jumping off the diving board, hand in hand, for the first swim of the season. The morning snuggle in the easy chair while we both wake up, witnessing the first bike ride without training wheels, sitting in the school gymnasium for the end of school concert, and on it goes.   

And of course one day I too will get to pass on the parental curse. :-)